VOLUME 13 |ISSUE 3 |2022 3
My desperation to cure the wrongness I felt within me led
to joining The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
My desperation to cure the wrongness I felt within me led
me down many paths, including one that led to joining
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (colloquially
known as Mormonism or the LDS Church). Church members
always seemed inexplicably happy, and this drew me to
them. I wanted to know the secret to their happiness, and the
missionaries smiled as they told me that all I had to do was join
this church and follow its rules. They taught me that baptism
into the church would cleanse me entirely, and I was sure this
meant that the wrongness within me would be washed away. I
would be made pure, and I too could be happy.
The church provided a checklist to ensure I was a good
enough person
Unfortunately, the wrongness seemed to remain within
me, even after baptism. However, the church provided new
explanations for when the wrongness waxed or waned and
a literal checklist that allowed me to tick the boxes to ensure
I was a good enough person, worthy of love. When the
wrongness felt stronger, I had authorities ordained by God to
direct me on how to fix myself and find redemption.
The church continually emphasizes the importance of the
temple, a special building of utmost sanctity and utilized for
high ceremonies, as distinct from the LDS meetinghouses
where regular weekly services are held. LDS doctrine states
that only by attending the temple can one find salvation and
the happiness it is promised to bring. To enter the temple, one
must be deemed worthy to be issued a temple recommend
(essentially, an official pass) based on an interview during
which local leaders ask questions from the official church
manual. These questions, which are presented repeatedly to
all church members over the age of twelve, form a checklist
of ways to ensure one is good enough to achieve the joy
the temple promises (“Church Updates Temple Recommend
Interview Questions,” 2019).
The Book of Mormon, a scriptural record key to the LDS Faith,
emphasizes the danger of discord and dissent amongst its
members (3 Nephi 11:28-30), a lesson the church’s highest
authorities constantly emphasize and local leadership re-
enforce. Nine of the fifteen sets of questions on the church’s
worthiness checklist center around obeying the church’s
rules and leadership (“Church Updates Temple Recommend
Interview Questions,” 2019). This article’s list of the worthiness
questions includes1:
*Do you sustain the President of The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer,
and revelator and as the only person on the earth
authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you
sustain the members of the First Presidency and the
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers,
and revelators? Do you sustain the other General
Authorities and local leaders of the Church?
• The Lord has said that all things are to be “done in
cleanliness” before Him (Doctrine and Covenants
42:41). Do you strive for moral cleanliness in your
thoughts and behavior? Do you obey the law of
chastity?
• Do you follow the teachings of the Church of Jesus
Christ in your private and public behavior with
members of your family and others?
• Do you support or promote any teachings, practices,
or doctrine contrary to those of The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints?
• Do you strive to keep the Sabbath day holy, both
at home and at church attend your meetings
prepare for and worthily partake of the sacrament
and live your life in harmony with the laws and
commandments of the gospel?
• Do you strive to be honest in all that you do?
• Are you a full-tithe payer?...
• Are there serious sins in your life that need to be
resolved with priesthood authorities as part of your
repentance?
Unquestioning obedience was emphasized in hymns, words,
and actions to those in authority, including local leadership
and those in higher ranks, regardless of one’s personal beliefs.
This included supporting a political position, volunteering
one’s time whenever asked, abstaining from coffee and R-rated
movies, and the sacrifice of whatever was asked of you. When
a calling (volunteer role within the church) was extended by
someone in authority, the very clear expectation was that it
would be accepted no matter what the personal or emotional
cost for the individual. Expressing opinions contrary to the
church’s teachings was taboo, and, on two occasions, each in
different congregations, I witnessed people being removed
from Sunday School classes for expressing views that were
deemed unacceptable.
If someone was offended by something said by someone
in a position of authority within the LDS Church, the person
offended was deemed “ridiculous” (Stephens, 2013) by both
church members and authorities, and it was the offended
person’s obligation to forgive, regardless of the offense.
When I struggled to accept the LDS Church’s firm opposition
to gay marriage, I was told I was not in line with the church
leaders and was displaying sinful levels of hubris. My difficulty
accepting that my gender excluded me from the priesthood
was deemed rebellious, and I was chastised by leaders and
members alike for lacking faith.
My belief in my wrongness was not
a passing thought—it was an all-
consuming, paralyzing obsession.
My desperation to cure the wrongness I felt within me led
to joining The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
My desperation to cure the wrongness I felt within me led
me down many paths, including one that led to joining
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (colloquially
known as Mormonism or the LDS Church). Church members
always seemed inexplicably happy, and this drew me to
them. I wanted to know the secret to their happiness, and the
missionaries smiled as they told me that all I had to do was join
this church and follow its rules. They taught me that baptism
into the church would cleanse me entirely, and I was sure this
meant that the wrongness within me would be washed away. I
would be made pure, and I too could be happy.
The church provided a checklist to ensure I was a good
enough person
Unfortunately, the wrongness seemed to remain within
me, even after baptism. However, the church provided new
explanations for when the wrongness waxed or waned and
a literal checklist that allowed me to tick the boxes to ensure
I was a good enough person, worthy of love. When the
wrongness felt stronger, I had authorities ordained by God to
direct me on how to fix myself and find redemption.
The church continually emphasizes the importance of the
temple, a special building of utmost sanctity and utilized for
high ceremonies, as distinct from the LDS meetinghouses
where regular weekly services are held. LDS doctrine states
that only by attending the temple can one find salvation and
the happiness it is promised to bring. To enter the temple, one
must be deemed worthy to be issued a temple recommend
(essentially, an official pass) based on an interview during
which local leaders ask questions from the official church
manual. These questions, which are presented repeatedly to
all church members over the age of twelve, form a checklist
of ways to ensure one is good enough to achieve the joy
the temple promises (“Church Updates Temple Recommend
Interview Questions,” 2019).
The Book of Mormon, a scriptural record key to the LDS Faith,
emphasizes the danger of discord and dissent amongst its
members (3 Nephi 11:28-30), a lesson the church’s highest
authorities constantly emphasize and local leadership re-
enforce. Nine of the fifteen sets of questions on the church’s
worthiness checklist center around obeying the church’s
rules and leadership (“Church Updates Temple Recommend
Interview Questions,” 2019). This article’s list of the worthiness
questions includes1:
*Do you sustain the President of The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer,
and revelator and as the only person on the earth
authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you
sustain the members of the First Presidency and the
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers,
and revelators? Do you sustain the other General
Authorities and local leaders of the Church?
• The Lord has said that all things are to be “done in
cleanliness” before Him (Doctrine and Covenants
42:41). Do you strive for moral cleanliness in your
thoughts and behavior? Do you obey the law of
chastity?
• Do you follow the teachings of the Church of Jesus
Christ in your private and public behavior with
members of your family and others?
• Do you support or promote any teachings, practices,
or doctrine contrary to those of The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints?
• Do you strive to keep the Sabbath day holy, both
at home and at church attend your meetings
prepare for and worthily partake of the sacrament
and live your life in harmony with the laws and
commandments of the gospel?
• Do you strive to be honest in all that you do?
• Are you a full-tithe payer?...
• Are there serious sins in your life that need to be
resolved with priesthood authorities as part of your
repentance?
Unquestioning obedience was emphasized in hymns, words,
and actions to those in authority, including local leadership
and those in higher ranks, regardless of one’s personal beliefs.
This included supporting a political position, volunteering
one’s time whenever asked, abstaining from coffee and R-rated
movies, and the sacrifice of whatever was asked of you. When
a calling (volunteer role within the church) was extended by
someone in authority, the very clear expectation was that it
would be accepted no matter what the personal or emotional
cost for the individual. Expressing opinions contrary to the
church’s teachings was taboo, and, on two occasions, each in
different congregations, I witnessed people being removed
from Sunday School classes for expressing views that were
deemed unacceptable.
If someone was offended by something said by someone
in a position of authority within the LDS Church, the person
offended was deemed “ridiculous” (Stephens, 2013) by both
church members and authorities, and it was the offended
person’s obligation to forgive, regardless of the offense.
When I struggled to accept the LDS Church’s firm opposition
to gay marriage, I was told I was not in line with the church
leaders and was displaying sinful levels of hubris. My difficulty
accepting that my gender excluded me from the priesthood
was deemed rebellious, and I was chastised by leaders and
members alike for lacking faith.
My belief in my wrongness was not
a passing thought—it was an all-
consuming, paralyzing obsession.
