VOLUME 13 |ISSUE 3 |2022 3
My desperation to cure the wrongness I felt within me led
to joining The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
My desperation to cure the wrongness I felt within me led
me down many paths, including one that led to joining
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (colloquially
known as Mormonism or the LDS Church). Church members
always seemed inexplicably happy, and this drew me to
them. I wanted to know the secret to their happiness, and the
missionaries smiled as they told me that all I had to do was join
this church and follow its rules. They taught me that baptism
into the church would cleanse me entirely, and I was sure this
meant that the wrongness within me would be washed away. I
would be made pure, and I too could be happy.
The church provided a checklist to ensure I was a good
enough person
Unfortunately, the wrongness seemed to remain within
me, even after baptism. However, the church provided new
explanations for when the wrongness waxed or waned and
a literal checklist that allowed me to tick the boxes to ensure
I was a good enough person, worthy of love. When the
wrongness felt stronger, I had authorities ordained by God to
direct me on how to fix myself and find redemption.
The church continually emphasizes the importance of the
temple, a special building of utmost sanctity and utilized for
high ceremonies, as distinct from the LDS meetinghouses
where regular weekly services are held. LDS doctrine states
that only by attending the temple can one find salvation and
the happiness it is promised to bring. To enter the temple, one
must be deemed worthy to be issued a temple recommend
(essentially, an official pass) based on an interview during
which local leaders ask questions from the official church
manual. These questions, which are presented repeatedly to
all church members over the age of twelve, form a checklist
of ways to ensure one is good enough to achieve the joy
the temple promises (“Church Updates Temple Recommend
Interview Questions,” 2019).
The Book of Mormon, a scriptural record key to the LDS Faith,
emphasizes the danger of discord and dissent amongst its
members (3 Nephi 11:28-30), a lesson the church’s highest
authorities constantly emphasize and local leadership re-
enforce. Nine of the fifteen sets of questions on the church’s
worthiness checklist center around obeying the church’s
rules and leadership (“Church Updates Temple Recommend
Interview Questions,” 2019). This article’s list of the worthiness
questions includes1:
*Do you sustain the President of The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer,
and revelator and as the only person on the earth
authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you
sustain the members of the First Presidency and the
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers,
and revelators? Do you sustain the other General
Authorities and local leaders of the Church?
• The Lord has said that all things are to be “done in
cleanliness” before Him (Doctrine and Covenants
42:41). Do you strive for moral cleanliness in your
thoughts and behavior? Do you obey the law of
chastity?
• Do you follow the teachings of the Church of Jesus
Christ in your private and public behavior with
members of your family and others?
• Do you support or promote any teachings, practices,
or doctrine contrary to those of The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints?
• Do you strive to keep the Sabbath day holy, both
at home and at church attend your meetings
prepare for and worthily partake of the sacrament
and live your life in harmony with the laws and
commandments of the gospel?
• Do you strive to be honest in all that you do?
• Are you a full-tithe payer?...
• Are there serious sins in your life that need to be
resolved with priesthood authorities as part of your
repentance?
Unquestioning obedience was emphasized in hymns, words,
and actions to those in authority, including local leadership
and those in higher ranks, regardless of one’s personal beliefs.
This included supporting a political position, volunteering
one’s time whenever asked, abstaining from coffee and R-rated
movies, and the sacrifice of whatever was asked of you. When
a calling (volunteer role within the church) was extended by
someone in authority, the very clear expectation was that it
would be accepted no matter what the personal or emotional
cost for the individual. Expressing opinions contrary to the
church’s teachings was taboo, and, on two occasions, each in
different congregations, I witnessed people being removed
from Sunday School classes for expressing views that were
deemed unacceptable.
If someone was offended by something said by someone
in a position of authority within the LDS Church, the person
offended was deemed “ridiculous” (Stephens, 2013) by both
church members and authorities, and it was the offended
person’s obligation to forgive, regardless of the offense.
When I struggled to accept the LDS Church’s firm opposition
to gay marriage, I was told I was not in line with the church
leaders and was displaying sinful levels of hubris. My difficulty
accepting that my gender excluded me from the priesthood
was deemed rebellious, and I was chastised by leaders and
members alike for lacking faith.
My belief in my wrongness was not
a passing thought—it was an all-
consuming, paralyzing obsession.

ICSA TODAY 4
A full tithe (ten percent of one’s gross income) was expected
and was an absolute requirement for entering the temple,
regardless of the financial strain it put on whoever was writing
the check. You may not enter the temple without writing that
check, and LDS doctrine is clear that you cannot enter the
highest degrees of exaltation without the temple. Though
no bank statements were ever collected or scrutinized to
confirm that someone was paying a full tithe, messages were
frequently delivered from the pulpit chastising anyone who
gave less than a full ten percent of their gross income, and
there were frequent implications that this act of disobedience
could lead to punishments from God.
As many who have experienced life in a high-control group
can attest, obedience is difficult to define or measure. One
can always be doing more or else risk not being obedient
enough. I might fulfill a calling I loathed, but if I was not doing
so with the right attitude, or if I was unwilling to sacrifice sleep
for the sake of the calling, or if I was frustrated with all that
was being asked of me, God would not approve, and I would
be subject to reproach by some church authority. I might be
praying regularly, but if I was not praying the right way, or with
the right attitude, or in the right place at the right time, it was
my fault that my prayer would not be answered. There was
always more I could be doing, another way I could be serving,
another selfish desire I had failed to sacrifice for the sake of the
Lord’s work. Such messages were regularly delivered during
Sunday services and from the larger platform of the church’s
general leadership. LDS doctrine states that its leaders have
stronger connections to God, granting them the authority to
speak in his name.
The only way I could absolve myself was to do more and be
obedient.
In my mind, the only way I could absolve myself of the
wrongness that plagued me was to do more and be obedient.
I was perpetually exhausted and stressed but slowing down
was seen as selfish. I was told to pray for strength when I
felt desperate for rest. When I was frustrated with policies or
decisions made and handed down by those in authority, I was
met with confusion and frustration.
My bishop (leader of the local LDS congregation, similar to
a pastor in a Protestant church) expressed concerns about
my rebellious spirit and how I was influenced by worldly
ideas instead of by God’s anointed. Other church members
questioned my devotion when I expressed doubts or
questions. I was even dubbed a dangerous apostate by
one fellow church member after I expressed my insistence
on thinking for myself. Though I laughed aloud at such
comments, inwardly, my self-loathing grew stronger as I
became increasingly frustrated with my inability to do as
I was told and silence my doubts. Surely, I, a woman filled
with a wrongness that made her unlovable and perpetually
depressed, was in no position to question men ordained by
God!
For seven years, I tried to go along with whatever was
necessary to achieve the peace and joy the LDS Church
promised. When the promised joy or blessings did not follow,
I was sure that it was due to the wrongness inside of me
seeping through. My rebellion and inability to bite my tongue
were further proof of how bad and unlovable I was. I tried
everything to compensate, through greater diligence, loyalty,
and obedience, but nothing I did was ever enough. The
wrongness always won.
I completed the checklist. I ticked all the boxes. I was granted
my temple recommend by those in authority over me, and I
hoped the temple would unlock the path to happiness that I
had always seemed blocked from. The temple was supposed
to be the foundation of the church, the most sacred place on
Earth, a place that would bring me as close to God as it was
possible for a living person to be (“Houses of the Lord,” 2010). I
clung to the hope that this closeness would absolve me of my
wrongness.
To my shock and disappointment, I did not enjoy the temple. I
quickly came to hate it. I did not understand how other people
felt such love for it or found peace within its walls. Again, I was
sure it was a failure on my part, as I seemed to be the only one
who felt this way. I visited the temple as frequently as I could,
in hopes of feeling the magic this place was supposed to offer.
Instead, I felt frustrated, confused, and bored. The only relief I
ever experienced in the temple came when I accidentally fell
asleep and took a brief nap.
I had been taught that the temple would be where I would
learn the answers to all of my existential questions, and I
would be able to understand my worth as a child of God
(Hinckley, 2010). I sat in temple services and wondered when
I would get to the part where such learning would take place.
I volunteered to clean the temple after it had closed for the
evening, in hopes I might discover the room I had not yet
been through, where I would gain the answers I was promised.
I never found such a room, or any desperately sought answer,
no matter how many times I attended the temple, or how well
I vacuumed it.
I did not love the temple, and the only reason I could find
for this was that God did not love me. Other people might
have rebellious spirits, or have things wrong with them, but
every other Mormon seemed happy. Every other member
of the LDS Church seemed to find peace in the temple and
to feel uplifted in church, to find answers to prayers and feel
comfort in their souls, as we were promised we would be if
I was told Jesus could make my
sins “white as snow” … and yet,
I felt the wrongness lurking within
me, like a cancer on my soul.