ICSA TODAY 12
my life: my father, mother, brother, husband, and four lifelong
friends. They are also my most frequent and enduring dream
characters. During the ISKCON years, I also dreamed about
people I knew in the organization. After leaving, most of
those characters faded quickly from my dreams.
Since my dream journal spans four decades, I also study it for
the continuity of one person’s dreams over time. For example,
I have looked at instances where new characters enter my
dreams after meeting them in daytime life. Then I track how
long they stay in my dreams after they are no longer in my
daytime life.
I have not attempted to
compare my dreams to other
populations yet, but one of my
mentors published a blind study
of my dreams and compared
my dream statistics to baseline
dream statistics for all women.2
My other mentor asked me to
compile all my dreams about
the Covid pandemic to use in a
section of his new book.3
I have also studied my dreams
of Krishna. In 2018, I presented
my dreams on a panel with two other dreams of god
researchers.4 In the course of studying my dreams about
Krishna, I found several significant dreams continuous with
my daytime experience.
Dreams of Krishna
My job in ISKCON was to work in the public affairs office,
and part of our responsibility was to respond to scandals
reported in the media. The worst disaster we handled was
the murder of Steven Bryant (also known by his ISKCON
name, Sulochan). He was a dissident from ISKCON’s rural
community in West Virginia who believed the guru there
broke up his marriage. He wanted to bring his case, and the
guru’s corruption, to light. He got himself locked in protective
custody there and told the police everything he knew then
he traveled to Los Angeles where he thought he would be
safe. On May 22, 1986, he was parked in his van about a mile
from the L.A. temple, and a man from West Virginia shot him
in the head.
The conspiracy to murder Bryant traced back to ISKCON
officials. Everyone knew it, and I knew it as well. Nevertheless,
I compliantly typed and mailed the press releases we issued
to deny ISKCON’s involvement. The matter was before a West
Virginia grand jury by the time I had the following dream:
Dream dated October 17, 1986 (abridged): I
dreamed that people I know were deeply involved
in the murder the grand jury is investigating....
After they told me everything I had to hide it....
There were Jagannatha Deities with knots on them,
according to our impurities.
The Jagannatha deities are a form of Krishna carved from
wood. Normally, they do not show knots in the wood, which
would be considered an impurity or flaw. In the dream, the
deities had knots that showed our impurities. The dream
mirrored my daytime concerns because deep inside I was
mad at myself for lying to the media. However, the dream
mirrored my daytime concerns
with compassion. It was as
though the deities noticed,
acknowledged, and shared the
burden of guilt with me.
I had another dream that
offered a symbolic, but direct
correspondence to my waking
life role in ISKCON: “Dream dated
February 26, 1987 (abridged): ...
I was an actress in a play where
demons kill each other for
Krishna....”
Of course, I knew it was wrong to lie, but I felt obligated to
protect ISKCON. About a year after the murder, I had the
following dream that corresponds to my defensive daytime
attitudes and behavior at the time:
Dream dated May 31, 1987 (abridged): The media
(TV, radio, etc.) were making a campaign against
ISKCON. Went to the devotees’ store and the
window was whitewashed. I put a message like,
“We’re proud to be ISKCON,” or something, in the
window to counteract bad PR.
ISKCON had other problems, but the Bryant murder stood
out, turning the organization into a media spectacle. Around
that time, I was out shopping, dressed in a sari as usual. A
man called out “Hare Krishna,” and I shouted back, “Yeah,
what about it?”
Typing the ISKCON Years
UC Santa Barbara Special Research Collections Library has
the largest collection of cultic materials in the country. It’s
now called the American Religions Collection (ARC). In 2005
they wanted the papers related to my memoir about ISKCON,
Betrayal of the Spirit.5 I had just turned fifty when I sent
them seven boxes of internal documents, news clippings,
and other materials including my journal notebooks up to
that time. Because UCSB holds my notebooks, I needed to
travel there to work on site. Later they allowed me to take
notebooks home to type them.
Uncovering the true story
of my life set the record
straight. I could forgive
myself and let go of
my self-hatred and
guilt for the first time.
my life: my father, mother, brother, husband, and four lifelong
friends. They are also my most frequent and enduring dream
characters. During the ISKCON years, I also dreamed about
people I knew in the organization. After leaving, most of
those characters faded quickly from my dreams.
Since my dream journal spans four decades, I also study it for
the continuity of one person’s dreams over time. For example,
I have looked at instances where new characters enter my
dreams after meeting them in daytime life. Then I track how
long they stay in my dreams after they are no longer in my
daytime life.
I have not attempted to
compare my dreams to other
populations yet, but one of my
mentors published a blind study
of my dreams and compared
my dream statistics to baseline
dream statistics for all women.2
My other mentor asked me to
compile all my dreams about
the Covid pandemic to use in a
section of his new book.3
I have also studied my dreams
of Krishna. In 2018, I presented
my dreams on a panel with two other dreams of god
researchers.4 In the course of studying my dreams about
Krishna, I found several significant dreams continuous with
my daytime experience.
Dreams of Krishna
My job in ISKCON was to work in the public affairs office,
and part of our responsibility was to respond to scandals
reported in the media. The worst disaster we handled was
the murder of Steven Bryant (also known by his ISKCON
name, Sulochan). He was a dissident from ISKCON’s rural
community in West Virginia who believed the guru there
broke up his marriage. He wanted to bring his case, and the
guru’s corruption, to light. He got himself locked in protective
custody there and told the police everything he knew then
he traveled to Los Angeles where he thought he would be
safe. On May 22, 1986, he was parked in his van about a mile
from the L.A. temple, and a man from West Virginia shot him
in the head.
The conspiracy to murder Bryant traced back to ISKCON
officials. Everyone knew it, and I knew it as well. Nevertheless,
I compliantly typed and mailed the press releases we issued
to deny ISKCON’s involvement. The matter was before a West
Virginia grand jury by the time I had the following dream:
Dream dated October 17, 1986 (abridged): I
dreamed that people I know were deeply involved
in the murder the grand jury is investigating....
After they told me everything I had to hide it....
There were Jagannatha Deities with knots on them,
according to our impurities.
The Jagannatha deities are a form of Krishna carved from
wood. Normally, they do not show knots in the wood, which
would be considered an impurity or flaw. In the dream, the
deities had knots that showed our impurities. The dream
mirrored my daytime concerns because deep inside I was
mad at myself for lying to the media. However, the dream
mirrored my daytime concerns
with compassion. It was as
though the deities noticed,
acknowledged, and shared the
burden of guilt with me.
I had another dream that
offered a symbolic, but direct
correspondence to my waking
life role in ISKCON: “Dream dated
February 26, 1987 (abridged): ...
I was an actress in a play where
demons kill each other for
Krishna....”
Of course, I knew it was wrong to lie, but I felt obligated to
protect ISKCON. About a year after the murder, I had the
following dream that corresponds to my defensive daytime
attitudes and behavior at the time:
Dream dated May 31, 1987 (abridged): The media
(TV, radio, etc.) were making a campaign against
ISKCON. Went to the devotees’ store and the
window was whitewashed. I put a message like,
“We’re proud to be ISKCON,” or something, in the
window to counteract bad PR.
ISKCON had other problems, but the Bryant murder stood
out, turning the organization into a media spectacle. Around
that time, I was out shopping, dressed in a sari as usual. A
man called out “Hare Krishna,” and I shouted back, “Yeah,
what about it?”
Typing the ISKCON Years
UC Santa Barbara Special Research Collections Library has
the largest collection of cultic materials in the country. It’s
now called the American Religions Collection (ARC). In 2005
they wanted the papers related to my memoir about ISKCON,
Betrayal of the Spirit.5 I had just turned fifty when I sent
them seven boxes of internal documents, news clippings,
and other materials including my journal notebooks up to
that time. Because UCSB holds my notebooks, I needed to
travel there to work on site. Later they allowed me to take
notebooks home to type them.
Uncovering the true story
of my life set the record
straight. I could forgive
myself and let go of
my self-hatred and
guilt for the first time.
