6 ICSA TODAY
also unwittingly communicate a desire to restore the once-
rewarding dependent relationship they had with their
abuser. This kind of ambivalence can be especially trying for
people born or raised in their groups, some of whose abusers
may even have been family members with whom they
understandably seek some kind of reconciliation. Even those
abuse victims who have overtly rejected their abusers may
maintain some level of faith in the belief system into which
they were indoctrinated.
Sorting through which aspects of a belief system an
individual wants to keep, modify, or discard is a long process,
which is complicated by the redefining of words that so often
happens in toxic groups.
What to Expect From Spiritual Abuse
Victims Who Have Recently Left an Abusive
Situation
Ambivalence. They may want help or closeness, yet they may
be afraid to accept help or to get close. Hence, be prepared
for sometimes inexplicable “pulling away” just when you think
your kindness and love is getting through. Similarly, they
may want to be independent and mature, yet many years of
induced dependency may incline them to seek the comfort of
dependent relationships.
Indecisiveness. People who were under another person’s
control or influence for a long time may, when they are free
of that control, have difficulty making decisions because they
are so accustomed to deferring to others regarding even
sometimes trivial personal decisions (e.g., what clothes to
wear).
Fear. Toxic groups induce anxiety and are often scary places
to be. Fear and other emotions, such as guilt, are used to
control members. Sometimes the levels of fear instilled in
members may be extreme. Members are often taught that
everyone outside the group, and especially anyone in another
religious organization, is evil, or at least untrustworthy. Thus,
even stepping foot over the threshold of another faith-based
organization can be a momentous step for spiritually abused
persons. It is vital not to crowd them, and to give them
emotional space so that their fear level can decline as they
can begin to experience the organization as a place of safety.
Emotional volatility. Abuse victims may sometimes quickly
move from anger to depression to anxiety, and they may
sometimes show all of those emotions at the same time.
Sometimes seemingly innocuous stimuli (such as a particular
verse from a religious text) can trigger anxiety associated with
past experiences.
Difficulty expressing themselves. Individuals coming out of
spiritually abusive situations may have been verbally stifled.
Those raised in abusive groups may never have had the
normal adolescent experiences of sharing secrets with friends,
questioning authority, or discovering what “I” think. For this
reason, there may sometimes be a noticeable gap between
a person’s obvious intelligence and capacity to articulate an
opinion. Such intellectual hesitancy may also contribute to
theological rigidity.
Theological rigidity or theological confusion. Some abuse
victims retain the usually rigid belief systems of their abusers
and may continue to interpret events and relationships
according to that system. Others who may have begun to
separate cognitively from the abuser’s belief system may be
unsure of what to believe. It may sometimes take years before
they can feel comfortable in a faith system.
Financial need or sensitivity. Although not all spiritually
abusive groups and relationships are financially exploitative,
many are, and some leave their members penniless. Therefore,
expect some abuse victims to be financially needy and
sometimes very sensitive to the fund-raising appeals many
mainstream faith-based communities depend upon.
Conflicts with loved ones. While people who were raised in
spiritual communities and then leave them often leave their
families behind, those who join may have become separated
from their families outside the group. Spiritually abusive
groups often try to separate members from their families as
a means of maintaining control. Consequently, many former
members of abusive groups, whether alienated from their
families of origin within the group, or alienated from their
families as a result of joining a spiritual community, will have
impaired relationships with the family members to whom one
would expect them to turn for help.
Lack of preparation for life outside the group. Many
of those who have grown up in groups are completely
unprepared for life outside of their groups. They may even
lack basics such as primary or secondary education, work
skills, or knowledge of how to find a place to live or socialize.
…spiritual abuse victims
may perceive the
enthusiasm you feel for
your faith as “pushiness”
… They may view your
good intentions through
a mental filter clouded
by years of abuse.
also unwittingly communicate a desire to restore the once-
rewarding dependent relationship they had with their
abuser. This kind of ambivalence can be especially trying for
people born or raised in their groups, some of whose abusers
may even have been family members with whom they
understandably seek some kind of reconciliation. Even those
abuse victims who have overtly rejected their abusers may
maintain some level of faith in the belief system into which
they were indoctrinated.
Sorting through which aspects of a belief system an
individual wants to keep, modify, or discard is a long process,
which is complicated by the redefining of words that so often
happens in toxic groups.
What to Expect From Spiritual Abuse
Victims Who Have Recently Left an Abusive
Situation
Ambivalence. They may want help or closeness, yet they may
be afraid to accept help or to get close. Hence, be prepared
for sometimes inexplicable “pulling away” just when you think
your kindness and love is getting through. Similarly, they
may want to be independent and mature, yet many years of
induced dependency may incline them to seek the comfort of
dependent relationships.
Indecisiveness. People who were under another person’s
control or influence for a long time may, when they are free
of that control, have difficulty making decisions because they
are so accustomed to deferring to others regarding even
sometimes trivial personal decisions (e.g., what clothes to
wear).
Fear. Toxic groups induce anxiety and are often scary places
to be. Fear and other emotions, such as guilt, are used to
control members. Sometimes the levels of fear instilled in
members may be extreme. Members are often taught that
everyone outside the group, and especially anyone in another
religious organization, is evil, or at least untrustworthy. Thus,
even stepping foot over the threshold of another faith-based
organization can be a momentous step for spiritually abused
persons. It is vital not to crowd them, and to give them
emotional space so that their fear level can decline as they
can begin to experience the organization as a place of safety.
Emotional volatility. Abuse victims may sometimes quickly
move from anger to depression to anxiety, and they may
sometimes show all of those emotions at the same time.
Sometimes seemingly innocuous stimuli (such as a particular
verse from a religious text) can trigger anxiety associated with
past experiences.
Difficulty expressing themselves. Individuals coming out of
spiritually abusive situations may have been verbally stifled.
Those raised in abusive groups may never have had the
normal adolescent experiences of sharing secrets with friends,
questioning authority, or discovering what “I” think. For this
reason, there may sometimes be a noticeable gap between
a person’s obvious intelligence and capacity to articulate an
opinion. Such intellectual hesitancy may also contribute to
theological rigidity.
Theological rigidity or theological confusion. Some abuse
victims retain the usually rigid belief systems of their abusers
and may continue to interpret events and relationships
according to that system. Others who may have begun to
separate cognitively from the abuser’s belief system may be
unsure of what to believe. It may sometimes take years before
they can feel comfortable in a faith system.
Financial need or sensitivity. Although not all spiritually
abusive groups and relationships are financially exploitative,
many are, and some leave their members penniless. Therefore,
expect some abuse victims to be financially needy and
sometimes very sensitive to the fund-raising appeals many
mainstream faith-based communities depend upon.
Conflicts with loved ones. While people who were raised in
spiritual communities and then leave them often leave their
families behind, those who join may have become separated
from their families outside the group. Spiritually abusive
groups often try to separate members from their families as
a means of maintaining control. Consequently, many former
members of abusive groups, whether alienated from their
families of origin within the group, or alienated from their
families as a result of joining a spiritual community, will have
impaired relationships with the family members to whom one
would expect them to turn for help.
Lack of preparation for life outside the group. Many
of those who have grown up in groups are completely
unprepared for life outside of their groups. They may even
lack basics such as primary or secondary education, work
skills, or knowledge of how to find a place to live or socialize.
…spiritual abuse victims
may perceive the
enthusiasm you feel for
your faith as “pushiness”
… They may view your
good intentions through
a mental filter clouded
by years of abuse.
