13 VOLUME 9 |ISSUE 2 |2018
others for their own needs, was our common denominator. From the
large estrangement group, members with cultic issues soon joined
and were followed by others from ICSA meetings and conferences,
including patients recommended by cult therapists and friends of
members.
The name of the group, Dear Demeter, became apparent because it
was clearly about family members who would never give up in their
quest to find and free their loved ones. We were all like the Greek
goddess Demeter whose daughter Persephone had been whisked
away by the god of Hades, the Greek underworld. Demeter scoured
the earth until she found her daughter and brought her back. In our
group, some family members were lost in locations unknown, and
all appeared lost in their minds each family member had someone
caring and concerned for them. Dear Demeter became the unique
support that I and others had been searching for all these years.
Our Dear Demeter group also is secret that is, no one can join unless
invited. It cannot be found through any kind of online search. It
provides a place where we can communicate with the safety and
comfort of anonymity.
Our group consists of people who have lost their loved ones to
cultic involvement. That is our one commonality otherwise, we are
a very diverse group. We are of all ages and live in different parts
of the world, from Europe to the East Coast of the United States
including Maine, New York, and Florida. We have members in Illinois,
in Colorado, and in California from the San Francisco area down to
Orange County. In Canada, we have members in Vancouver and
Toronto. Members can share the craziest things loved ones are
involved in. In one person’s daughter’s group, all of the members are
getting Lasik surgery so that when Armageddon arrives they will be
able to see and help the world.
We started Dear Demeter in April of 2015. A month later, we started
our video conference calls and since then have rarely missed a week.
I elaborate on the weekly conference calls because they are our
lifeline. We use Zoom video conference calling because at this time it
works efficiently. We love the muting feature, especially when dogs
start barking or someone’s spouse starts practicing his horn. We have
guest speakers, and with their permission we are able to record the
calls so members who were absent can listen. These guest speakers
range from former members to parents of former members, cult
therapists, private investigators, and ICSA leadership. Our loved ones
are involved in religious and political groups, groups led by online
podcasters, and one-on-one relationships. They are involved with
psychics and healers, an equestrian group, a controlling spouse, a
satanic Mormon cult, and a vegan group. Some of our loved ones like
to “cult hop.”
The Facebook page offers participants the flexibility of checking
social media or joining the video conference calls. Friendships have
formed we drive and fly to meet one another.
Each weekly meeting is moderated by a different member of the
group. The moderator runs the call, making sure no one person
speaks for too long. Human nature being what it is, there is often a
tendency to digress, so the moderator also ensures that comments
are pertinent to the subject being discussed. The calls are held
during the week but for those who work, we are starting a monthly
weekend call. If need be, we will increase that to more than once a
month. We are fluid and go with changes.
We share resources such as films and broadcast programs to watch,
webinars to attend, magazine articles and books to read, cultic
websites to look out for, and sites created to combat cults. We
have a list of therapists, exit counselors, national and international
private investigators, attorneys, and treatment facilities for after-cult
involvement. All of this information is found in files that can easily be
accessed on our page.
We have had discussions about positivity. We use empowering words
such as accepting, mindful, loving, nonjudgmental, and energized. For
example, we deliberately have used the phrase “I am remembering”
instead of “I am missing” when we get pangs and start thinking about
our kids and disrupted families. The words I am missing are triggering
and disempowering for us. We discuss loneliness, shame, chaos, guilt,
and helplessness and try to reframe our thinking. Naturally, this is not
easy, and we are growing together from the challenge.
ICSA conferences are full of information, therapists are helpful, and
exit counselors are brave and encouraging. However, there is an
awful lot of time in between. We all needed more, and our group has
become the “more.” We are sharing how we work through this article,
to encourage others to form their own groups of support. We can be
reached at deardemeter@gmail.com with any questions.
Our stories are what bring us together. Here are a few of them:
Bertha married a sweet man who was in a small, independent, Bible-
based group. He left it for a while then later rejoined. Bertha was
worried because there had been reports of sexual misconduct in
the group, but when she tried to discuss the reports, her husband
refused to consider them. He said the leader was so enlightened
that jealous former members were just trying to bring him and their
movement down.
Bertha says members of the group check up on her husband every
day to make sure he is praying and following the group’s moral
code. They believe that is the only way for them to be happy, that if
they pray hard enough they will get whatever they pray for. Prayers
need to be aloud at certain hours of each day Bertha’s husband will
even go outdoors so he can pray aloud without disturbing people in
neighboring apartments.
Bertha’s husband has had health problems, which led to early
retirement, resulting in financial strain on the family. He has talked
about going back to work but spends more time praying than
looking for a job.
We discuss loneliness,
shame, chaos, guilt, and
helplessness and try to
reframe our thinking.
Naturally, this is not easy,
and we are growing together
from the challenge.
others for their own needs, was our common denominator. From the
large estrangement group, members with cultic issues soon joined
and were followed by others from ICSA meetings and conferences,
including patients recommended by cult therapists and friends of
members.
The name of the group, Dear Demeter, became apparent because it
was clearly about family members who would never give up in their
quest to find and free their loved ones. We were all like the Greek
goddess Demeter whose daughter Persephone had been whisked
away by the god of Hades, the Greek underworld. Demeter scoured
the earth until she found her daughter and brought her back. In our
group, some family members were lost in locations unknown, and
all appeared lost in their minds each family member had someone
caring and concerned for them. Dear Demeter became the unique
support that I and others had been searching for all these years.
Our Dear Demeter group also is secret that is, no one can join unless
invited. It cannot be found through any kind of online search. It
provides a place where we can communicate with the safety and
comfort of anonymity.
Our group consists of people who have lost their loved ones to
cultic involvement. That is our one commonality otherwise, we are
a very diverse group. We are of all ages and live in different parts
of the world, from Europe to the East Coast of the United States
including Maine, New York, and Florida. We have members in Illinois,
in Colorado, and in California from the San Francisco area down to
Orange County. In Canada, we have members in Vancouver and
Toronto. Members can share the craziest things loved ones are
involved in. In one person’s daughter’s group, all of the members are
getting Lasik surgery so that when Armageddon arrives they will be
able to see and help the world.
We started Dear Demeter in April of 2015. A month later, we started
our video conference calls and since then have rarely missed a week.
I elaborate on the weekly conference calls because they are our
lifeline. We use Zoom video conference calling because at this time it
works efficiently. We love the muting feature, especially when dogs
start barking or someone’s spouse starts practicing his horn. We have
guest speakers, and with their permission we are able to record the
calls so members who were absent can listen. These guest speakers
range from former members to parents of former members, cult
therapists, private investigators, and ICSA leadership. Our loved ones
are involved in religious and political groups, groups led by online
podcasters, and one-on-one relationships. They are involved with
psychics and healers, an equestrian group, a controlling spouse, a
satanic Mormon cult, and a vegan group. Some of our loved ones like
to “cult hop.”
The Facebook page offers participants the flexibility of checking
social media or joining the video conference calls. Friendships have
formed we drive and fly to meet one another.
Each weekly meeting is moderated by a different member of the
group. The moderator runs the call, making sure no one person
speaks for too long. Human nature being what it is, there is often a
tendency to digress, so the moderator also ensures that comments
are pertinent to the subject being discussed. The calls are held
during the week but for those who work, we are starting a monthly
weekend call. If need be, we will increase that to more than once a
month. We are fluid and go with changes.
We share resources such as films and broadcast programs to watch,
webinars to attend, magazine articles and books to read, cultic
websites to look out for, and sites created to combat cults. We
have a list of therapists, exit counselors, national and international
private investigators, attorneys, and treatment facilities for after-cult
involvement. All of this information is found in files that can easily be
accessed on our page.
We have had discussions about positivity. We use empowering words
such as accepting, mindful, loving, nonjudgmental, and energized. For
example, we deliberately have used the phrase “I am remembering”
instead of “I am missing” when we get pangs and start thinking about
our kids and disrupted families. The words I am missing are triggering
and disempowering for us. We discuss loneliness, shame, chaos, guilt,
and helplessness and try to reframe our thinking. Naturally, this is not
easy, and we are growing together from the challenge.
ICSA conferences are full of information, therapists are helpful, and
exit counselors are brave and encouraging. However, there is an
awful lot of time in between. We all needed more, and our group has
become the “more.” We are sharing how we work through this article,
to encourage others to form their own groups of support. We can be
reached at deardemeter@gmail.com with any questions.
Our stories are what bring us together. Here are a few of them:
Bertha married a sweet man who was in a small, independent, Bible-
based group. He left it for a while then later rejoined. Bertha was
worried because there had been reports of sexual misconduct in
the group, but when she tried to discuss the reports, her husband
refused to consider them. He said the leader was so enlightened
that jealous former members were just trying to bring him and their
movement down.
Bertha says members of the group check up on her husband every
day to make sure he is praying and following the group’s moral
code. They believe that is the only way for them to be happy, that if
they pray hard enough they will get whatever they pray for. Prayers
need to be aloud at certain hours of each day Bertha’s husband will
even go outdoors so he can pray aloud without disturbing people in
neighboring apartments.
Bertha’s husband has had health problems, which led to early
retirement, resulting in financial strain on the family. He has talked
about going back to work but spends more time praying than
looking for a job.
We discuss loneliness,
shame, chaos, guilt, and
helplessness and try to
reframe our thinking.
Naturally, this is not easy,
and we are growing together
from the challenge.
