14 ICSA TODAY
Bertha says of our group,
I appreciate the care and support from Dear Demeter and
having a place to go to with people who understand. I was
naive when I married. My heart remains broken, but I am
no longer wishing for my husband to change. Only I can
change and take the steps that I need to move forward in
my life. I am ready to be happy and stop spending my life
waiting for things to get better for my family and me.
~
Karen says the best thing that ever happened to her was “my
daughter Kelly. She had so much self-confidence, was smart, athletic,
and kind.” Karen trusted Kelley’s judgment, since she had seen Kelly
make the right choices so many times. Then, when the family had
to move to a different city with a poor school system, Karen began
to homeschool her daughter, and Kelly seemed a little lost and
unhappy.
Kelly joined a group on the Internet, and her character began
to change. She became secretive, and after about a year, started
making incredible accusations of abuse and neglect against her
parents.
When she was about to enter high school, Kelly left home to join a
community abroad run by the group. She emailed her parents saying
she would have nothing to do with them ever again. America’s
laws made going after her impossible. Karen cried every day and
wondered if life was worth living if her beloved daughter thought
such horrible things. That’s when Karen started learning about cults.
The experts and other mothers who were going through the same
horrible thing she was going through became her lifeline.
Karen urges others to do their research if they seek professional help.
One person she consulted was not trained or educated about cults,
and he actually said he wished he had had this cult at his age so he
could have dumped his parents!
Then, one day, 2 years after she last talked to Kelly, Karen learned
that her daughter had left the group. The trauma of the cult
experience had left her severely depressed, and she was having
trouble functioning but didn’t think her parents would ever talk to
her again.
Karen writes,
Now that our daughter is home, slowly things are getting
better. It has not been easy. She badly needs education
about what has happened to her. At least she is home for
the moment and I know she is alive.
She adds,
I would like to suggest to a loved one of a cult member the
importance of experts, former members, and seeking the
support of others who are suffering as you are. At least for
me, I know I couldn’t have made it through without them.
~
Ginny believes that she fell victim to a couple running a ranch with
horseback-riding lessons. Her son started riding lessons at a young
age at their school. Ginny and her husband noticed that their son’s
behavior was changing and that the owners were demanding he
stay at the ranch often. Ginny and her husband confronted the
couple often and came to believe that they were lied to about what
was actually happening.
Their son was tired and his grades dropped. Once he turned 18,
without any warning he went to live with the couple. He became
involved in running the ranch for very little pay and spent his life
savings on supporting himself and on riding lessons. He wrote
letters to his family about the hard life he had led at home, which
was completely fabricated.
Desperate, the parents went to two therapists who were helpful but
didn’t have training in the psychological influence and control tactics
associated with cultic dynamics. The interventions they attempted
backfired, causing their son to be even more angry and estranged.
They hired a private investigator and discovered that there were
other young people who had left the ranch and had similar stories.
According to these other young people, the ranch’s owners would
even manipulate their students to get into fights with their parents
and record the fights. Then the couple would listen to the recordings
and coach the students on how to manipulate their parents even
more. Ginny and her husband became depressed and isolated. When
she hadn’t talked to her son for close to a year, she came across ICSA
and asked if they knew of any group specifically for parents and was
led to Dear Demeter.
Dear Demeter was able to recommend a therapist trained in the
dynamics of high-demand, high-control groups, and Ginny is now
seeing her son every 2 weeks for a visit. It’s a long haul, and the
journey isn’t even close to over but there is no way, as she expresses,
“I could have gotten this far without the support and advice from my
friends in Dear Demeter.”
~
Sarah was Dawn’s firstborn and “the love of my husband’s and my
life.” As she grew older, she had difficulty making and maintaining
relationships but seemed to find acceptance at her church. After
graduating from college, she had difficulty finding work and so could
not move out of her family home. Though she sought counseling
and was prescribed medication for anxiety, she was unable to
overcome her fear of social relationships.
Sarah joined a religious group in a large city near her home and soon
moved out of our home to live closer to the church. We
had no idea what a cult was, but when she told us she was
being baptized into the group and would be changing
her name, and didn’t want us to attend the ceremony, the
red flags started to fly. Communication started to wane.
We received stiffly worded letters attacking our parenting
skills and blaming us for all her difficulties in life.
It has been years since Dawn and her husband have seen their
daughter. She says,
Our self-run support group, Dear Demeter, has been a
blessing because it is a forum for me to talk and share
my feelings with others in the same situation, share
professional resources, and gather insights. The blessing in
disguise is that I have made some friendships that will be
lifelong ones. n
Bertha says of our group,
I appreciate the care and support from Dear Demeter and
having a place to go to with people who understand. I was
naive when I married. My heart remains broken, but I am
no longer wishing for my husband to change. Only I can
change and take the steps that I need to move forward in
my life. I am ready to be happy and stop spending my life
waiting for things to get better for my family and me.
~
Karen says the best thing that ever happened to her was “my
daughter Kelly. She had so much self-confidence, was smart, athletic,
and kind.” Karen trusted Kelley’s judgment, since she had seen Kelly
make the right choices so many times. Then, when the family had
to move to a different city with a poor school system, Karen began
to homeschool her daughter, and Kelly seemed a little lost and
unhappy.
Kelly joined a group on the Internet, and her character began
to change. She became secretive, and after about a year, started
making incredible accusations of abuse and neglect against her
parents.
When she was about to enter high school, Kelly left home to join a
community abroad run by the group. She emailed her parents saying
she would have nothing to do with them ever again. America’s
laws made going after her impossible. Karen cried every day and
wondered if life was worth living if her beloved daughter thought
such horrible things. That’s when Karen started learning about cults.
The experts and other mothers who were going through the same
horrible thing she was going through became her lifeline.
Karen urges others to do their research if they seek professional help.
One person she consulted was not trained or educated about cults,
and he actually said he wished he had had this cult at his age so he
could have dumped his parents!
Then, one day, 2 years after she last talked to Kelly, Karen learned
that her daughter had left the group. The trauma of the cult
experience had left her severely depressed, and she was having
trouble functioning but didn’t think her parents would ever talk to
her again.
Karen writes,
Now that our daughter is home, slowly things are getting
better. It has not been easy. She badly needs education
about what has happened to her. At least she is home for
the moment and I know she is alive.
She adds,
I would like to suggest to a loved one of a cult member the
importance of experts, former members, and seeking the
support of others who are suffering as you are. At least for
me, I know I couldn’t have made it through without them.
~
Ginny believes that she fell victim to a couple running a ranch with
horseback-riding lessons. Her son started riding lessons at a young
age at their school. Ginny and her husband noticed that their son’s
behavior was changing and that the owners were demanding he
stay at the ranch often. Ginny and her husband confronted the
couple often and came to believe that they were lied to about what
was actually happening.
Their son was tired and his grades dropped. Once he turned 18,
without any warning he went to live with the couple. He became
involved in running the ranch for very little pay and spent his life
savings on supporting himself and on riding lessons. He wrote
letters to his family about the hard life he had led at home, which
was completely fabricated.
Desperate, the parents went to two therapists who were helpful but
didn’t have training in the psychological influence and control tactics
associated with cultic dynamics. The interventions they attempted
backfired, causing their son to be even more angry and estranged.
They hired a private investigator and discovered that there were
other young people who had left the ranch and had similar stories.
According to these other young people, the ranch’s owners would
even manipulate their students to get into fights with their parents
and record the fights. Then the couple would listen to the recordings
and coach the students on how to manipulate their parents even
more. Ginny and her husband became depressed and isolated. When
she hadn’t talked to her son for close to a year, she came across ICSA
and asked if they knew of any group specifically for parents and was
led to Dear Demeter.
Dear Demeter was able to recommend a therapist trained in the
dynamics of high-demand, high-control groups, and Ginny is now
seeing her son every 2 weeks for a visit. It’s a long haul, and the
journey isn’t even close to over but there is no way, as she expresses,
“I could have gotten this far without the support and advice from my
friends in Dear Demeter.”
~
Sarah was Dawn’s firstborn and “the love of my husband’s and my
life.” As she grew older, she had difficulty making and maintaining
relationships but seemed to find acceptance at her church. After
graduating from college, she had difficulty finding work and so could
not move out of her family home. Though she sought counseling
and was prescribed medication for anxiety, she was unable to
overcome her fear of social relationships.
Sarah joined a religious group in a large city near her home and soon
moved out of our home to live closer to the church. We
had no idea what a cult was, but when she told us she was
being baptized into the group and would be changing
her name, and didn’t want us to attend the ceremony, the
red flags started to fly. Communication started to wane.
We received stiffly worded letters attacking our parenting
skills and blaming us for all her difficulties in life.
It has been years since Dawn and her husband have seen their
daughter. She says,
Our self-run support group, Dear Demeter, has been a
blessing because it is a forum for me to talk and share
my feelings with others in the same situation, share
professional resources, and gather insights. The blessing in
disguise is that I have made some friendships that will be
lifelong ones. n
