being a home-church leader was the start of my on-the-job
training.
Taking advantage of words often heard in church settings,
Pastor Al would redefine biblical words and phrases, and
then declare authoritatively that his definitions were the
most authentic and accurate insights available to man
today. He proclaimed that only a few privileged men are
entrusted by God to know the real meaning of the Bible.
Most ministers aren’t even anointed by God and really
shouldn’t even be in the ministry.
Without question, Al was a gifted and fascinating storyteller.
He instilled and kept alive in us a fear of the devil and
possession by demons, a fate that would befall those who
did not willingly comply with all that God was speaking
through him. I was being brainwashed and becoming a
voice-activated clone at the disposal of Al’s every whim.
Al approached us yet another time to ask whether my
wife and I wanted to be part of Discipleship, a multiyear
commitment in which we were required to submit every
decision to Al before we acted upon it. This included Al’s
approving our changing jobs, moving to a new apartment,
and making vacation and marriage plans how we raised
and disciplined our children and how we budgeted and
spent our money. Being a disciple wasn’t what I had in mind,
but it was presented in such a way that I didn’t see any way
around it. I had to go through with it if I wanted to disciple
others and ultimately be a full-time minister.
A short time later, tragedy struck. It was 5:30 in the evening
on August 8th. It was raining and muggy. Our family of three
was just sitting down to eat supper in our apartment when
lightening hit a tree, followed the rain gutter into our attic,
and ignited a major fire that forced us to move out for
months. One week later, we watched as, before our eyes, our
3-year-old son Kevin, who had been struggling for a year
and a half with a rare blood disease, took his last breath.
We couldn’t have been more vulnerable than when Al
approached my wife and me once again. “Consider moving
to my town the church here needs additional leadership.”
Relocating was not a goal I ever had. I really wanted to see
my home group flourish. I had built it from scratch, we
were very attached to the other members, and leaving
went against so much within me. At the same time, I
didn’t want to miss a God-given opportunity and the
next level of on-the-job training. After a 2-week internal
struggle, I ended up adapting myself to what I thought
God required of me and Al wanted.
Between working a full-time job and being absorbed in
on-the-job leadership training, I had little time to think or
reason. Five, 10, 15, 20, 22 years slipped by. After all this
time, I still believed Pastor Al was going to ordain me
legally and make me a full-time minister. I dreamed that
then, having reached my goal, I would be the happiest I
had ever been.
Unexpectedly, however, like Rip Van Winkle, I awoke
from my slumber to discover that I was in the midst of a
nightmare, not a dream. Al approached me once again
and unveiled yet another hard-to-swallow change:
Gary, you have missed so much along the way. I know
this will be hard for you, but God has made it clear to me
that you need to voluntarily step down from leadership
for at least another 2 years. That way, you and I can work
together more closely.
I will tell you ...HOW you are to think….
Everything taking place was so confusing. Not long before,
one member who had been there for years complimented
me: “You are more like Pastor Al than any of the other three
leaders.”
Now here was Pastor Al saying I had missed so much and I
still needed to be told how to think. Nothing was making
sense. The thought that, at 47 years old and after 22 years of
leadership training, I still would have to be told “how to
think” initiated my actually allowing myself to think that
something was terribly wrong.
Even though we had it drummed into us for years, “Don’t let
your minds WONDER or WANDER—God is in control here
He knows what He is doing,” I couldn’t help thinking that if I
haven’t caught on in 22 years, there is no guarantee that 2
more years could make a difference.
A few days later, a letter from Al arrived in the mail:
These recommendations are not to be misconstrued as
punitive or disciplinary in nature, but simply to help clear
your mind … so that your ministry can get on a better,
more fruitful level. Hopefully, all will be done on your
part willingly and with full cooperation … so your whole
being can better be immersed in the teachings and
direction the Lord has placed before us.
I decided to do the unthinkable, something we had been
warned not to do: visit two previous “deserters” to ask them
why they left. I learned that when the two individuals had
themselves begun to ask Al questions, they were told the
exact same thing I was being told: “You are listening to the
devil.”
During the 2-week period that Al had given me to decide
whether I would comply, one morning at 3AM, while
pondering the upcoming major decision, I remembered a
handout in my file cabinet that I had picked up 2 years
earlier, but never looked over. It described the earmarks of
a cult using a list of eight brainwashing techniques from
Robert Lifton’s book Thought Reform and the Psychology
of Totalism, A Study of Brainwashing in China. As I read the
handout, examples for each of the eight categories flowed
into my mind. A sick feeling came over me as I wondered,
Could it be that for 22 years I have been used by Al, and
it has all been for naught? Maybe my mind is just
playing tricks on me maybe it’s not really a cult maybe
lack of sleep is affecting my ability to think clearly.
I didn’t want it to be true. Part of me was trying to face
reality at the same time, I was hoping it was all a figment
of my imagination, or a bad dream, and soon I would wake
up and everything would be OK. For 22 years, I had relied
on someone else to help me make all my big decisions.
Now, I faced the absolute biggest decision of my life, and I
would have to make it on my own.
Not wanting to burn any bridges behind me, instead of
outright leaving when I really wasn’t yet 100% sure, I came
up with an idea to ask for a leave of absence, to give me
10 ICSA TODAY
training.
Taking advantage of words often heard in church settings,
Pastor Al would redefine biblical words and phrases, and
then declare authoritatively that his definitions were the
most authentic and accurate insights available to man
today. He proclaimed that only a few privileged men are
entrusted by God to know the real meaning of the Bible.
Most ministers aren’t even anointed by God and really
shouldn’t even be in the ministry.
Without question, Al was a gifted and fascinating storyteller.
He instilled and kept alive in us a fear of the devil and
possession by demons, a fate that would befall those who
did not willingly comply with all that God was speaking
through him. I was being brainwashed and becoming a
voice-activated clone at the disposal of Al’s every whim.
Al approached us yet another time to ask whether my
wife and I wanted to be part of Discipleship, a multiyear
commitment in which we were required to submit every
decision to Al before we acted upon it. This included Al’s
approving our changing jobs, moving to a new apartment,
and making vacation and marriage plans how we raised
and disciplined our children and how we budgeted and
spent our money. Being a disciple wasn’t what I had in mind,
but it was presented in such a way that I didn’t see any way
around it. I had to go through with it if I wanted to disciple
others and ultimately be a full-time minister.
A short time later, tragedy struck. It was 5:30 in the evening
on August 8th. It was raining and muggy. Our family of three
was just sitting down to eat supper in our apartment when
lightening hit a tree, followed the rain gutter into our attic,
and ignited a major fire that forced us to move out for
months. One week later, we watched as, before our eyes, our
3-year-old son Kevin, who had been struggling for a year
and a half with a rare blood disease, took his last breath.
We couldn’t have been more vulnerable than when Al
approached my wife and me once again. “Consider moving
to my town the church here needs additional leadership.”
Relocating was not a goal I ever had. I really wanted to see
my home group flourish. I had built it from scratch, we
were very attached to the other members, and leaving
went against so much within me. At the same time, I
didn’t want to miss a God-given opportunity and the
next level of on-the-job training. After a 2-week internal
struggle, I ended up adapting myself to what I thought
God required of me and Al wanted.
Between working a full-time job and being absorbed in
on-the-job leadership training, I had little time to think or
reason. Five, 10, 15, 20, 22 years slipped by. After all this
time, I still believed Pastor Al was going to ordain me
legally and make me a full-time minister. I dreamed that
then, having reached my goal, I would be the happiest I
had ever been.
Unexpectedly, however, like Rip Van Winkle, I awoke
from my slumber to discover that I was in the midst of a
nightmare, not a dream. Al approached me once again
and unveiled yet another hard-to-swallow change:
Gary, you have missed so much along the way. I know
this will be hard for you, but God has made it clear to me
that you need to voluntarily step down from leadership
for at least another 2 years. That way, you and I can work
together more closely.
I will tell you ...HOW you are to think….
Everything taking place was so confusing. Not long before,
one member who had been there for years complimented
me: “You are more like Pastor Al than any of the other three
leaders.”
Now here was Pastor Al saying I had missed so much and I
still needed to be told how to think. Nothing was making
sense. The thought that, at 47 years old and after 22 years of
leadership training, I still would have to be told “how to
think” initiated my actually allowing myself to think that
something was terribly wrong.
Even though we had it drummed into us for years, “Don’t let
your minds WONDER or WANDER—God is in control here
He knows what He is doing,” I couldn’t help thinking that if I
haven’t caught on in 22 years, there is no guarantee that 2
more years could make a difference.
A few days later, a letter from Al arrived in the mail:
These recommendations are not to be misconstrued as
punitive or disciplinary in nature, but simply to help clear
your mind … so that your ministry can get on a better,
more fruitful level. Hopefully, all will be done on your
part willingly and with full cooperation … so your whole
being can better be immersed in the teachings and
direction the Lord has placed before us.
I decided to do the unthinkable, something we had been
warned not to do: visit two previous “deserters” to ask them
why they left. I learned that when the two individuals had
themselves begun to ask Al questions, they were told the
exact same thing I was being told: “You are listening to the
devil.”
During the 2-week period that Al had given me to decide
whether I would comply, one morning at 3AM, while
pondering the upcoming major decision, I remembered a
handout in my file cabinet that I had picked up 2 years
earlier, but never looked over. It described the earmarks of
a cult using a list of eight brainwashing techniques from
Robert Lifton’s book Thought Reform and the Psychology
of Totalism, A Study of Brainwashing in China. As I read the
handout, examples for each of the eight categories flowed
into my mind. A sick feeling came over me as I wondered,
Could it be that for 22 years I have been used by Al, and
it has all been for naught? Maybe my mind is just
playing tricks on me maybe it’s not really a cult maybe
lack of sleep is affecting my ability to think clearly.
I didn’t want it to be true. Part of me was trying to face
reality at the same time, I was hoping it was all a figment
of my imagination, or a bad dream, and soon I would wake
up and everything would be OK. For 22 years, I had relied
on someone else to help me make all my big decisions.
Now, I faced the absolute biggest decision of my life, and I
would have to make it on my own.
Not wanting to burn any bridges behind me, instead of
outright leaving when I really wasn’t yet 100% sure, I came
up with an idea to ask for a leave of absence, to give me
10 ICSA TODAY
