Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 8, No. 3, 2009, Page 46
One of the most heartbreaking sections of the memoir is her decision to give up the boy
Oscar she fell in love with while she was working as a secretary at the United Nations.
Because relationships with men and, of course, sexual activity were forbidden—although she
discovers later that Chinmoy has hardly been abstinent, Tamm chooses instead the Absolute
Supreme as her soul mate. Although she is careful not to be seen in public with Oscar so
another disciple does not report her transgression to the leader (even family members,
including her brother, spied on and turned each other in), Chinmoy does find out. Later, we
discover, as I had suspected, that her trusted best friend Chahna had reported her. The
young man knows nothing of Tamm‘s life in the cult, and after she tells him she can‘t see
him anymore, he tries to convince her to run off with him. In a split-second, last-minute
decision, she chooses her cult life:
He [Oscar] backed me into the subway car, still clasping both my hands,
pulling me inside. For a moment I visualized our perfect future together,
burrowed in the comfort of a domestic oasis. With him I would gain a loving
partner, but I would lose my holy trinity – Guru, my soul, and the Supreme.
My life with Oscar was impossible. I was Guru‘s Chosen One, and because of
that, Guru left me no choice. I took a decisive step, backing out of the door‘s
threshold onto the platform as the doors snapped shut. (p. 178)
I also found heartbreaking the destruction of Tamm‘s relationship with her childhood best
friend Chahna, who leaves the group before Tamm does. Even after Tamm leaves, they
cannot resume their deep friendship. Also sad is the role of Tamm‘s parents, who passively
accept Sri Chinmoy‘s dictates for their own lives and for their children‘s. Gradually their
doubts grow and eventually they leave the group, after Tamm‘s first departure. One can
only imagine their guilt. However, Tamm‘s older brother, seduced by the power and perks in
his position as a top guard to Sri Chinmoy, remains.
Tamm attempts to leave Chinmoy many times, but repeatedly he pressures her back into
the group. And she cannot function well in the outside world where she has to make
decisions about her life. She explains how difficult it was to leave:
Being deeply entrenched in Guru‘s path meant basic forms of survival, home,
and job were all reliant on it. In an instant, those, too, were snatched away,
leaving one homeless and penniless, in addition being without family, friends,
or any thread of support. It was all part of a larger system of control the
longer one stayed in the Center and the deeper they rooted themselves, the
more impossible it was to leave. That fear, deeply submerged and never
discussed among disciples, was always present, privately emerging at
moments of doubt, panic, or rare clarity. (p. 279)
Talking about her own situation, Tamm explains,
There was no ‗next.‘ There was nothing. In one month I would be twenty-five,
and I had no experience with the outside world. Suddenly I was dumped on
the side of the road and meant to have prepared a plan? (p. 276)
Finally, she realizes the truth:
A myth. A fake. A lie. The truth was that nothing was true. Guru Sri Chinmoy
was a fabrication dreamed and designed by a young and churlish Bangladeshi
intent on hypnotizing the world... If Guru was fiction, and invention, I
realized, then so was I, for he had created me. My values and truths were all
approved, filtered, then injected into me by Guru… I was the creation of the
Sri Chinmoy Experiment. I could not imagine that somewhere inside was a
real person who could exist wholly unto herself… Nothing around me was
true the emperor wore no clothes. (p. 271)
One of the most heartbreaking sections of the memoir is her decision to give up the boy
Oscar she fell in love with while she was working as a secretary at the United Nations.
Because relationships with men and, of course, sexual activity were forbidden—although she
discovers later that Chinmoy has hardly been abstinent, Tamm chooses instead the Absolute
Supreme as her soul mate. Although she is careful not to be seen in public with Oscar so
another disciple does not report her transgression to the leader (even family members,
including her brother, spied on and turned each other in), Chinmoy does find out. Later, we
discover, as I had suspected, that her trusted best friend Chahna had reported her. The
young man knows nothing of Tamm‘s life in the cult, and after she tells him she can‘t see
him anymore, he tries to convince her to run off with him. In a split-second, last-minute
decision, she chooses her cult life:
He [Oscar] backed me into the subway car, still clasping both my hands,
pulling me inside. For a moment I visualized our perfect future together,
burrowed in the comfort of a domestic oasis. With him I would gain a loving
partner, but I would lose my holy trinity – Guru, my soul, and the Supreme.
My life with Oscar was impossible. I was Guru‘s Chosen One, and because of
that, Guru left me no choice. I took a decisive step, backing out of the door‘s
threshold onto the platform as the doors snapped shut. (p. 178)
I also found heartbreaking the destruction of Tamm‘s relationship with her childhood best
friend Chahna, who leaves the group before Tamm does. Even after Tamm leaves, they
cannot resume their deep friendship. Also sad is the role of Tamm‘s parents, who passively
accept Sri Chinmoy‘s dictates for their own lives and for their children‘s. Gradually their
doubts grow and eventually they leave the group, after Tamm‘s first departure. One can
only imagine their guilt. However, Tamm‘s older brother, seduced by the power and perks in
his position as a top guard to Sri Chinmoy, remains.
Tamm attempts to leave Chinmoy many times, but repeatedly he pressures her back into
the group. And she cannot function well in the outside world where she has to make
decisions about her life. She explains how difficult it was to leave:
Being deeply entrenched in Guru‘s path meant basic forms of survival, home,
and job were all reliant on it. In an instant, those, too, were snatched away,
leaving one homeless and penniless, in addition being without family, friends,
or any thread of support. It was all part of a larger system of control the
longer one stayed in the Center and the deeper they rooted themselves, the
more impossible it was to leave. That fear, deeply submerged and never
discussed among disciples, was always present, privately emerging at
moments of doubt, panic, or rare clarity. (p. 279)
Talking about her own situation, Tamm explains,
There was no ‗next.‘ There was nothing. In one month I would be twenty-five,
and I had no experience with the outside world. Suddenly I was dumped on
the side of the road and meant to have prepared a plan? (p. 276)
Finally, she realizes the truth:
A myth. A fake. A lie. The truth was that nothing was true. Guru Sri Chinmoy
was a fabrication dreamed and designed by a young and churlish Bangladeshi
intent on hypnotizing the world... If Guru was fiction, and invention, I
realized, then so was I, for he had created me. My values and truths were all
approved, filtered, then injected into me by Guru… I was the creation of the
Sri Chinmoy Experiment. I could not imagine that somewhere inside was a
real person who could exist wholly unto herself… Nothing around me was
true the emperor wore no clothes. (p. 271)
