15 VOLUME 9 |ISSUE 1 |2018
The women are retreating hastily across the room, each holding
up a hand as if to push something away… no, it’s clearly bad for
me to think about money.
Adriana stops them, and we all sit cross-legged in a circle on the
floor. They are all staring at me: Adriana on my right is smiling
and kind. Royce on my left is cold-eyed, icy, and imposing.
Sura sits opposite, looking smug. It is customary at this point
for the women to go around the group and each explain her
interpretation of what God just told them.
“Well, I felt that it is very good for you to work with Sura,” Adriana
begins. “It was just so light and happy and free. I felt that, if you
didn’t take it, things would be very dark for you. Possibly for
years even. You’d be depressed and lonely and trapped, but I
received that this opened a lot of doors for you.”
Sura next, giving a somewhat patronizing smile. “Yes, I received
the same as Adriana. I felt that this is an ideal opportunity for
you. I also received that your attitude to life, finances, and careers
holds you back. You aren’t ready to trust God’s infinite ability to
bestow bounties upon you. I feel that this is something you will
learn during this placement.”
Royce stared at me with her unfriendly eyes. “I received much
the same as the others, Miranda. I too received that your bad
attitude holds you back. You want prestige and power, so you
apply for jobs with us that God says you don’t have the right
inner qualities for. But you aren’t useless because he wants you
for this job. You need to master your selfish desires and learn
humility, and to give of yourself freely.”
I nod, dreading to raise the topic with Adam of another fruitless,
unpaid internship. He already thinks I’m so flaky how can I
possibly explain it’s God’s Will?
~
The women and I sit in the drafty meditation hall for another 2
hours. They want to explore my attitude toward work, money,
careers, success, and so on. By the end of the afternoon, I’m
exhausted and tearful. Adriana suspected that my attitude
toward money comes from my childhood, and she wanted to
dig deep into my poisoned aura. Then Royce wanted to find
the roots of my selfishness and my bitter jealousy toward other
successful people. Sura eventually receives that it is because of
my lack of natural femininity, and I’d attract fewer demons if I
wore nice skirts. They all nod and agree.
The sun has set and we’re all emotionally exhausted before
Adriana asks me if there’s anything else I want them to ask God.
“Yeah…,” I answer. “Just quickly. Things are kinda tough in my
marriage right now…”
“Almighty God,” starts Adriana, leaping up. “What should
Miranda’s attitude be to her husband?”
They all start singing, running around, hugging each other, and
praising the Lord. “Oh, you definitely need to stay with him,” they
tell me. “Marriage is a sacred bond. Your love is the greatest gift
in your life. God himself has brought you together.”
~
Adam is sitting on the sofa watching a documentary when I get
home. “So? How was your day with the crazies?” he mocks. He
does a bad impression of women chanting.
I flop down on the sofa beside him. “Well,” I say. “Apparently God
wants me to work for them part time…”
“How much are they paying you?” His demeanor instantly
changes.
“Well, nothing, but it is God’s Will…”
“God’s Will,” he sneers. “They’re just exploiting you. Why can’t you
see that? You’re too naïve and trusting. You’d give yourself to
anyone, wouldn’t you? What about ME? I need you to get a job,
so we can afford to have a family. Never mind those crazies. I only
joined because your dad made me.”
“They like you,” I add, defensively. “They want you to be a Men’s
Helper.”
“Really?” He frowns. “They said that?”
“Yes, of course! I think they like you more than me!”
This is not a lie.
~
I’m lying awake as the 2 a.m. moon streams through our thin
turquoise curtains. Adam won’t buy thicker ones because of
money. I can’t sleep unless it’s dark, so most nights I can’t sleep.
I think about what everyone said.
Adam thinks I’m weak and naïve. Royce thinks I’m selfish and
cold. They can’t both be right. Or can they? Which is it? It’s wrong
to be too trusting, and wrong to be selfish. But which am I? What
would be right?
All I know is that everyone agrees there’s something wrong
with me. They hate me. They must despise me. They must see
something terrible that I’m too twisted up in myself to see.
~
The summer slowly starts to fade. I’m lying out on the lawn in the
fading twilight. A flock of wild geese flies overhead, migrating to
wherever they belong.
I want so much to fly off with them. n
A flock of wild geese flies overhead, migrating to wherever
they belong. I want so much to fly off with them.
The women are retreating hastily across the room, each holding
up a hand as if to push something away… no, it’s clearly bad for
me to think about money.
Adriana stops them, and we all sit cross-legged in a circle on the
floor. They are all staring at me: Adriana on my right is smiling
and kind. Royce on my left is cold-eyed, icy, and imposing.
Sura sits opposite, looking smug. It is customary at this point
for the women to go around the group and each explain her
interpretation of what God just told them.
“Well, I felt that it is very good for you to work with Sura,” Adriana
begins. “It was just so light and happy and free. I felt that, if you
didn’t take it, things would be very dark for you. Possibly for
years even. You’d be depressed and lonely and trapped, but I
received that this opened a lot of doors for you.”
Sura next, giving a somewhat patronizing smile. “Yes, I received
the same as Adriana. I felt that this is an ideal opportunity for
you. I also received that your attitude to life, finances, and careers
holds you back. You aren’t ready to trust God’s infinite ability to
bestow bounties upon you. I feel that this is something you will
learn during this placement.”
Royce stared at me with her unfriendly eyes. “I received much
the same as the others, Miranda. I too received that your bad
attitude holds you back. You want prestige and power, so you
apply for jobs with us that God says you don’t have the right
inner qualities for. But you aren’t useless because he wants you
for this job. You need to master your selfish desires and learn
humility, and to give of yourself freely.”
I nod, dreading to raise the topic with Adam of another fruitless,
unpaid internship. He already thinks I’m so flaky how can I
possibly explain it’s God’s Will?
~
The women and I sit in the drafty meditation hall for another 2
hours. They want to explore my attitude toward work, money,
careers, success, and so on. By the end of the afternoon, I’m
exhausted and tearful. Adriana suspected that my attitude
toward money comes from my childhood, and she wanted to
dig deep into my poisoned aura. Then Royce wanted to find
the roots of my selfishness and my bitter jealousy toward other
successful people. Sura eventually receives that it is because of
my lack of natural femininity, and I’d attract fewer demons if I
wore nice skirts. They all nod and agree.
The sun has set and we’re all emotionally exhausted before
Adriana asks me if there’s anything else I want them to ask God.
“Yeah…,” I answer. “Just quickly. Things are kinda tough in my
marriage right now…”
“Almighty God,” starts Adriana, leaping up. “What should
Miranda’s attitude be to her husband?”
They all start singing, running around, hugging each other, and
praising the Lord. “Oh, you definitely need to stay with him,” they
tell me. “Marriage is a sacred bond. Your love is the greatest gift
in your life. God himself has brought you together.”
~
Adam is sitting on the sofa watching a documentary when I get
home. “So? How was your day with the crazies?” he mocks. He
does a bad impression of women chanting.
I flop down on the sofa beside him. “Well,” I say. “Apparently God
wants me to work for them part time…”
“How much are they paying you?” His demeanor instantly
changes.
“Well, nothing, but it is God’s Will…”
“God’s Will,” he sneers. “They’re just exploiting you. Why can’t you
see that? You’re too naïve and trusting. You’d give yourself to
anyone, wouldn’t you? What about ME? I need you to get a job,
so we can afford to have a family. Never mind those crazies. I only
joined because your dad made me.”
“They like you,” I add, defensively. “They want you to be a Men’s
Helper.”
“Really?” He frowns. “They said that?”
“Yes, of course! I think they like you more than me!”
This is not a lie.
~
I’m lying awake as the 2 a.m. moon streams through our thin
turquoise curtains. Adam won’t buy thicker ones because of
money. I can’t sleep unless it’s dark, so most nights I can’t sleep.
I think about what everyone said.
Adam thinks I’m weak and naïve. Royce thinks I’m selfish and
cold. They can’t both be right. Or can they? Which is it? It’s wrong
to be too trusting, and wrong to be selfish. But which am I? What
would be right?
All I know is that everyone agrees there’s something wrong
with me. They hate me. They must despise me. They must see
something terrible that I’m too twisted up in myself to see.
~
The summer slowly starts to fade. I’m lying out on the lawn in the
fading twilight. A flock of wild geese flies overhead, migrating to
wherever they belong.
I want so much to fly off with them. n
A flock of wild geese flies overhead, migrating to wherever
they belong. I want so much to fly off with them.
