6 ICSA TODAY 4
experiencing the same emotions they did when those personal,
spiritual disciplines were demanded of them in the abusive
church. The simple phrase the Bible says can cause survivors to
brace themselves for the blow to come—as they mistakenly
anticipate the Bible will be used to make demands, exert
control, and strip away their autonomy.
Depression
Survivors often struggle with depression, including persistent
feelings of sadness, anxiety, purposelessness, pessimism,
joylessness, and exhaustion. The level of depression the
survivors of spiritual abuse experience often merits medical and
psychiatric intervention in the form of counseling, medication,
and even physical therapies designed to help them in their
recovery. One of the most harmful results of pastors not
appreciating the phenomena of abusive churches and Christian
cults is that they are slow to refer survivors to the specialized
counseling and medical care that can provide significant
assistance in their recovery.
Self-Medication
Survivors may attempt to self-medicate as they seek to alleviate
emotional pain and stress. They might abuse drugs, whether
prescribed by a doctor or scored on the street. Alcohol can
provide the nightly relaxation they require to be able to sleep
or to take the edge off of their fear of going to work or church.
They might also use sex to distract themselves from emotional
pain, or resort to unhealthy overeating. I often ask those who
have recently exited a high-demand group, abusive church,
or cult if they are self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, or other
harmful behaviors, and if they acknowledge that they are,
suggest they would benefit from a visit to a primary-care
physician. They may have begun self-medicating when they
were in the abusive church, and that may have been tolerated,
encouraged, and even exemplified by its leaders. Abusive
churches do not produce or sustain healthy people.
Guilt
Survivors often struggle with guilt. They may have
compromised personal standards of ethical speech or behavior.
They feel guilty for the things they said and did while they were
in the church. They are sure that, somehow, somewhere deep
down, they must shoulder some blame for their abuse.
Shame
Survivors often struggle with shame. Shame, while closely tied
to guilt, is much worse. It is toxic to the soul of its carrier. Shame
is the result of mixing up what we do with who we are. We feel
guilt over the wrong things we do we feel shame for who we
believe we are. We do something wrong, bad, hurtful, and then
we feel guilty, as we should. But when we do or say something
wrong, deceitful, dishonest, and then surmise that we therefore
are unworthy people—that is shame. We feel we are unworthy
of respect... courtesy... kindness... forgiveness that we deserve
to be hurt and abused by our pastor.... Things like that. Shame
suffocates our souls—pounding into them the message that we
don’t deserve the air we breathe.
Abusive leaders of abusive churches may have shamed
members through public (group) condemnation mock trials
(often with a twisted, ecclesial tone to them) or private, one-
on-one discipleship meetings with a spiritual mentor. Sadly,
although the members may successfully walk away from their
abusive churches, they often carry destructive feelings of
shame for many years after they have left.
Anger and Blame
Survivors of spiritual abuse are often angry. They are offended
and provoked as they come to grips with what the leader
and the group did to them. As time passes, they may better
understand the unstable, vulnerable position they were in
when they were recruited into the church, and how the leaders
took advantage of their condition. But improperly processed,
this anger can be misdirected, resulting in self-loathing and
nastiness toward others, and even God.
When I left the church, I was enraged at God within weeks,
blaming Him for the 12 years there that I accounted for as
wasted and devastating to my family. “So, is THAT the way You
answer the prayers of 22-year-olds who want to serve You?!
THAT’S what You do when they ask You to lead them ...send
them to a CULT?! You are one lousy Father, God,” I railed. “Thanks
a lot!”
While misdirecting our anger can delay recovery from
spiritual abuse, we should not fear it, for something terrible
has happened. As abuse survivors, we were mistreated,
disrespected, and used. Of course, we are angry! The challenge,
for survivors, and for those who wish to help them, is to find
healthy ways to deal with anger, whether through our own
reflection and study, through professional help, or through a
new and nonabusive spiritual community.
Ambiguity
Survivors often struggle to accept the ambiguity of many
theological, faith-related issues. Abusive churches and cults
do not teach their members to tolerate diversity of opinion.
Instead, they insist that there is one way, their way, and that all
other views are simply wrong. In such areas as politics, gender
roles in the church and home—including the relationship
of husbands and wives, education, styles of music, social
Survivors of spiritual abuse
often carry significant
wounds to their faith, as they
reevaluate the core theological
beliefs they held and find them
to be insufficient...
7 VOLUME 11 |ISSUE 1 |2020
standards, dietary practices, or even a citizen’s obligations
to the government, there is only either/or, in the beliefs and
assumptions of the abusive church—never both/and. It is
very difficult for members who leave such totalist ideology and
teaching to accept that other Christians simply disagree about
some issues that the abusive church considered litmus tests
for the authenticity of faith, and often, salvation itself. And it
can be particularly challenging for those who have left such
monolithic, our-way-or-the-highway thinking to navigate the
waters of today’s pluralistic world.
Conflicting Emotions
The mix of the feelings and attitudes listed previously can
make things pretty messy in a survivor’s head. After leaving my
abusive church, I experienced a bizarre combination of self-
loathing and self-righteousness, especially during the worship
services of the normal churches I attended. I recall sitting in a
Sunday service just months after I had left, inwardly criticizing
the music, the content of the sermon, and the skills of the
preacher. As I thumbed through the worship guide, I judged
what seemed to me the church’s shallow programs and lack of
biblical vision and focus.
But only moments later, I was overcome with excruciating
shame and self-consciousness. I whispered to my wife, Sharon,
“I have got to go. See you at home.”
Five minutes later, there I was, head down, shuffling down the
street, with one step, hating the new church, with the next,
hating myself for criticizing it. It can be tough for the survivors
of abusive churches to simply show up to worship, give
themselves a break, and remain for the whole service.
Sleep Issues
Survivors may experience sleep disorders and nightmares. I
still have dreams, most of which do not rate as out-and-out
nightmares. I think my dreams are a type of self-healing, as my
subconscious is attempting to heal my conscious memories.
Patterns of being back there are common, with me reliving
the horrible stress of the abusive church, but often openly
questioning or criticizing its leaders. I think those dreams are
an attempt to allow me to relive the experiences, only this time
(in the dream) working on making things turn out better than
they did in real life.
Loss of Theological Certainty
Survivors of spiritual abuse often carry significant wounds
to their faith, as they reevaluate the core theological beliefs
they held and find them to be insufficient, illogical, and even
destructive. They suspect, and often fear, that many other of
their tightly held beliefs may also be simply untenable, and
wrong. They are unsure of just how many of those beliefs
they will need to examine and discard, how long that process
might take, and what beliefs might replace them. Often, the
first belief to crumble is that the God they believed in and felt
they were faithfully obeying was predictable and committed to
showing exceptional favor to them. That God doesn’t seem to
exist—and, as survivors, they may find themselves wondering
whether any God exists. Or the idea that a loving God allowed
the deceit, loss, and pain to occur in a community that claimed
to follow Him can deeply unravel survivors’ belief systems.
Survivors also find themselves reevaluating their approach to
the Bible because much of the abuse they suffered was directly
and indirectly validated as being in accordance with biblical
teaching. Finally, survivors of spiritual abuse in a Christian
church cannot be faulted for questioning the validity and
trustworthiness of any church, especially if the doctrinal beliefs
of their abusive church closely correspond to the doctrines
of supposedly healthy churches. Therefore, it is critical that
survivors of abusive churches be shown gracious acceptance
should they choose to stop attending church services, refuse to
become members of a church, or stop identifying as Christian.
I have discussed what I think are the most prominent wounds
of the soul there are. But there also are other wounds, such
as overwhelming, gnawing feelings of isolation, loneliness,
insecurity, lack of confidence, embarrassment, indecisiveness,
and a host of other emotional maladies.
Marriage Wounds
Marriages do not do very well in the abusive church, for
narcissistic pastors are wary and suspicious of the exclusive
loyalty marriage entails. Often, such pastors bear a general
animosity toward all dyadic (two-person) relationships in
their church. Any exclusive, unique relationship between
two people (husband-wife, parent-child, friend-friend, etc.)
constitutes a threat to the pastor’s control, and is therefore
discouraged, ignored, or invaded.
Abusive pastors may demand that no secrets between spouses
are kept from the leader. Spouses are pressured to divulge their
respective mates’ personal issues, failures, and even statements
made in the privacy of the home. In its extreme forms, this
interference with the marriage relationship may even include
abusive leaders prying into the intimate, sexual areas of the
marriage under the guise of counseling, encouragement,
or discipleship, but with the actual intent of unraveling the
intimate safety marriage partners share.
The demand for attendance at the many services and
programs and meetings of the church, along with private
meetings with leaders and teachers, can drain members of the
time needed to relax and enjoy time with a spouse. Survivors
Marriages do not do very well
in the abusive church, for
narcissistic pastors are wary
and suspicious of the exclusive
loyalty marriage entails.
experiencing the same emotions they did when those personal,
spiritual disciplines were demanded of them in the abusive
church. The simple phrase the Bible says can cause survivors to
brace themselves for the blow to come—as they mistakenly
anticipate the Bible will be used to make demands, exert
control, and strip away their autonomy.
Depression
Survivors often struggle with depression, including persistent
feelings of sadness, anxiety, purposelessness, pessimism,
joylessness, and exhaustion. The level of depression the
survivors of spiritual abuse experience often merits medical and
psychiatric intervention in the form of counseling, medication,
and even physical therapies designed to help them in their
recovery. One of the most harmful results of pastors not
appreciating the phenomena of abusive churches and Christian
cults is that they are slow to refer survivors to the specialized
counseling and medical care that can provide significant
assistance in their recovery.
Self-Medication
Survivors may attempt to self-medicate as they seek to alleviate
emotional pain and stress. They might abuse drugs, whether
prescribed by a doctor or scored on the street. Alcohol can
provide the nightly relaxation they require to be able to sleep
or to take the edge off of their fear of going to work or church.
They might also use sex to distract themselves from emotional
pain, or resort to unhealthy overeating. I often ask those who
have recently exited a high-demand group, abusive church,
or cult if they are self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, or other
harmful behaviors, and if they acknowledge that they are,
suggest they would benefit from a visit to a primary-care
physician. They may have begun self-medicating when they
were in the abusive church, and that may have been tolerated,
encouraged, and even exemplified by its leaders. Abusive
churches do not produce or sustain healthy people.
Guilt
Survivors often struggle with guilt. They may have
compromised personal standards of ethical speech or behavior.
They feel guilty for the things they said and did while they were
in the church. They are sure that, somehow, somewhere deep
down, they must shoulder some blame for their abuse.
Shame
Survivors often struggle with shame. Shame, while closely tied
to guilt, is much worse. It is toxic to the soul of its carrier. Shame
is the result of mixing up what we do with who we are. We feel
guilt over the wrong things we do we feel shame for who we
believe we are. We do something wrong, bad, hurtful, and then
we feel guilty, as we should. But when we do or say something
wrong, deceitful, dishonest, and then surmise that we therefore
are unworthy people—that is shame. We feel we are unworthy
of respect... courtesy... kindness... forgiveness that we deserve
to be hurt and abused by our pastor.... Things like that. Shame
suffocates our souls—pounding into them the message that we
don’t deserve the air we breathe.
Abusive leaders of abusive churches may have shamed
members through public (group) condemnation mock trials
(often with a twisted, ecclesial tone to them) or private, one-
on-one discipleship meetings with a spiritual mentor. Sadly,
although the members may successfully walk away from their
abusive churches, they often carry destructive feelings of
shame for many years after they have left.
Anger and Blame
Survivors of spiritual abuse are often angry. They are offended
and provoked as they come to grips with what the leader
and the group did to them. As time passes, they may better
understand the unstable, vulnerable position they were in
when they were recruited into the church, and how the leaders
took advantage of their condition. But improperly processed,
this anger can be misdirected, resulting in self-loathing and
nastiness toward others, and even God.
When I left the church, I was enraged at God within weeks,
blaming Him for the 12 years there that I accounted for as
wasted and devastating to my family. “So, is THAT the way You
answer the prayers of 22-year-olds who want to serve You?!
THAT’S what You do when they ask You to lead them ...send
them to a CULT?! You are one lousy Father, God,” I railed. “Thanks
a lot!”
While misdirecting our anger can delay recovery from
spiritual abuse, we should not fear it, for something terrible
has happened. As abuse survivors, we were mistreated,
disrespected, and used. Of course, we are angry! The challenge,
for survivors, and for those who wish to help them, is to find
healthy ways to deal with anger, whether through our own
reflection and study, through professional help, or through a
new and nonabusive spiritual community.
Ambiguity
Survivors often struggle to accept the ambiguity of many
theological, faith-related issues. Abusive churches and cults
do not teach their members to tolerate diversity of opinion.
Instead, they insist that there is one way, their way, and that all
other views are simply wrong. In such areas as politics, gender
roles in the church and home—including the relationship
of husbands and wives, education, styles of music, social
Survivors of spiritual abuse
often carry significant
wounds to their faith, as they
reevaluate the core theological
beliefs they held and find them
to be insufficient...
7 VOLUME 11 |ISSUE 1 |2020
standards, dietary practices, or even a citizen’s obligations
to the government, there is only either/or, in the beliefs and
assumptions of the abusive church—never both/and. It is
very difficult for members who leave such totalist ideology and
teaching to accept that other Christians simply disagree about
some issues that the abusive church considered litmus tests
for the authenticity of faith, and often, salvation itself. And it
can be particularly challenging for those who have left such
monolithic, our-way-or-the-highway thinking to navigate the
waters of today’s pluralistic world.
Conflicting Emotions
The mix of the feelings and attitudes listed previously can
make things pretty messy in a survivor’s head. After leaving my
abusive church, I experienced a bizarre combination of self-
loathing and self-righteousness, especially during the worship
services of the normal churches I attended. I recall sitting in a
Sunday service just months after I had left, inwardly criticizing
the music, the content of the sermon, and the skills of the
preacher. As I thumbed through the worship guide, I judged
what seemed to me the church’s shallow programs and lack of
biblical vision and focus.
But only moments later, I was overcome with excruciating
shame and self-consciousness. I whispered to my wife, Sharon,
“I have got to go. See you at home.”
Five minutes later, there I was, head down, shuffling down the
street, with one step, hating the new church, with the next,
hating myself for criticizing it. It can be tough for the survivors
of abusive churches to simply show up to worship, give
themselves a break, and remain for the whole service.
Sleep Issues
Survivors may experience sleep disorders and nightmares. I
still have dreams, most of which do not rate as out-and-out
nightmares. I think my dreams are a type of self-healing, as my
subconscious is attempting to heal my conscious memories.
Patterns of being back there are common, with me reliving
the horrible stress of the abusive church, but often openly
questioning or criticizing its leaders. I think those dreams are
an attempt to allow me to relive the experiences, only this time
(in the dream) working on making things turn out better than
they did in real life.
Loss of Theological Certainty
Survivors of spiritual abuse often carry significant wounds
to their faith, as they reevaluate the core theological beliefs
they held and find them to be insufficient, illogical, and even
destructive. They suspect, and often fear, that many other of
their tightly held beliefs may also be simply untenable, and
wrong. They are unsure of just how many of those beliefs
they will need to examine and discard, how long that process
might take, and what beliefs might replace them. Often, the
first belief to crumble is that the God they believed in and felt
they were faithfully obeying was predictable and committed to
showing exceptional favor to them. That God doesn’t seem to
exist—and, as survivors, they may find themselves wondering
whether any God exists. Or the idea that a loving God allowed
the deceit, loss, and pain to occur in a community that claimed
to follow Him can deeply unravel survivors’ belief systems.
Survivors also find themselves reevaluating their approach to
the Bible because much of the abuse they suffered was directly
and indirectly validated as being in accordance with biblical
teaching. Finally, survivors of spiritual abuse in a Christian
church cannot be faulted for questioning the validity and
trustworthiness of any church, especially if the doctrinal beliefs
of their abusive church closely correspond to the doctrines
of supposedly healthy churches. Therefore, it is critical that
survivors of abusive churches be shown gracious acceptance
should they choose to stop attending church services, refuse to
become members of a church, or stop identifying as Christian.
I have discussed what I think are the most prominent wounds
of the soul there are. But there also are other wounds, such
as overwhelming, gnawing feelings of isolation, loneliness,
insecurity, lack of confidence, embarrassment, indecisiveness,
and a host of other emotional maladies.
Marriage Wounds
Marriages do not do very well in the abusive church, for
narcissistic pastors are wary and suspicious of the exclusive
loyalty marriage entails. Often, such pastors bear a general
animosity toward all dyadic (two-person) relationships in
their church. Any exclusive, unique relationship between
two people (husband-wife, parent-child, friend-friend, etc.)
constitutes a threat to the pastor’s control, and is therefore
discouraged, ignored, or invaded.
Abusive pastors may demand that no secrets between spouses
are kept from the leader. Spouses are pressured to divulge their
respective mates’ personal issues, failures, and even statements
made in the privacy of the home. In its extreme forms, this
interference with the marriage relationship may even include
abusive leaders prying into the intimate, sexual areas of the
marriage under the guise of counseling, encouragement,
or discipleship, but with the actual intent of unraveling the
intimate safety marriage partners share.
The demand for attendance at the many services and
programs and meetings of the church, along with private
meetings with leaders and teachers, can drain members of the
time needed to relax and enjoy time with a spouse. Survivors
Marriages do not do very well
in the abusive church, for
narcissistic pastors are wary
and suspicious of the exclusive
loyalty marriage entails.
