18 ICSA TODAY
What Is Coercive Control?
As my obsessive research continues, I often say to my
cohorts and friends, “…abuse is abuse. The dynamics are the
same, wherever, whatever, whenever.” In December 2018, I
joined professionals across fields—academic, mental health,
legal, and advocacy—at ICSA’s Domestic Abuse and Coercive
Control conference in Philadelphia, PA. Professors Linda
and Rod Dubrow-Marshall brought participants from cultic
studies and sexual-identity studies, and domestic-violence
advocates, immigration experts, researchers, and mental-
health clinicians together to discuss coercive control, share
knowledge and resources, and seek solutions.
I heard the name Evan Stark, the Rutger’s professor, for the
first time that day. I have since learned that, in 2007, while
I was entrenched in the cultic group, Stark published his
book Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal
Life (Stark, 2007). In the book, he reframed domestic
violence as a crime against freedom, also called a “liberty
crime”—behavior that violates personhood, the basic civil
rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Amazon.
com’s website frames this book as showing how “domestic
violence is … a pattern of controlling behaviors more akin
to terrorism and hostage-taking” [Amazon.com (n.d.)]. Stark
used court records, interviews, and FBI statistics to detail
control that includes food logs, micromanagement of
dress, speech, sexual activity, and work. The Association of
American Publishers granted Stark its Excellence Award for
the book.
When I left the group in 2011, I soon recognized that my
mind had been hijacked and locked into an ideology—a
psychological prison. Similar to such depictions in Stark’s
book (2007)—terrorism, hostage taking, cults, human
trafficking, extremist groups, domestic abusers—whatever
the context, abusers use a template. Specific behaviors play
out through stages of relationship development. The intent
behind the behavior is always to strip the victim of agency,
freedom, and independence, through a cycle of seduction
followed by cruelty, a progression that rinses and repeats.
Over the course of my obsessive odyssey, I had come up
with the phrase, cultic social engineering: “unique group”
offers “exclusive help” to those seeking betterment employs
love bombing isolates members from nonmembers fosters
dependence increases demands through the you owe us and
we own you doctrine to eventually deploy for selfish gain.
At the conference, I learned about the cycle of coercion:
bait, seduce, foster dependence, isolate, switch, attack, rinse
out with kindness, and repeat. I was also reminded that
domestic violence experts have boiled the abusive strategies
down to a three-part cycle: honeymoon, tension building,
and explosion and then a recycling back to the honeymoon
stage, also known as hearts and flowers. I’m confident that
extremist groups and human traffickers have their own take
on the template.
The 2018 conference was the first time that I had seen
professionals across fields come together to bridge gaps
between areas of study and specifically address the
template.
Societal Implications
Evidence indicates a growing interest in the phenomenon of
coercive control. A July 2016 blog post in The New York Times,
entitled “With Coercive Control the Abuse Is Psychological,”
defined coercive control as “an abusive relationship in which
the abuser applies an ongoing and multipronged strategy,
with tactics that include manipulation, humiliation, isolation,
financial abuse, stalking, gaslighting and sometimes
physical or sexual abuse” (Ellin, 2016). Blog author Abby Ellin
noted that, in 2015, both England and Wales criminalized
“coercive and controlling behavior in an intimate or family
relationship” (Ellin, 2016). She reported that “at least four
men” had been sentenced (Ellin, 2016).
Numerous fictional TV series and programs have centered
their plotlines on social control and chaos: The Leftovers
(2014–2017), Wild Wild Country (2018–present), The Path
(2016–2018), and, of course, The Handmaid’s Tale (2017–
present). Leah Remini’s series, Scientology and the Aftermath
(2016–2019), is now pointing the spotlight at Jehovah’s
Witnesses. Additionally, the 2010 documentary film Power
and Control depicted one woman’s struggle to leave her
abusive marriage, with her three children.
On the one hand, it can be depressing to recognize
the pervasive presence of abusive relationships. At the
Coercive Control conference, a good portion of the day
addressed coercion through the courts. Andrea Silverstone,
the Executive Director of Sagesse, a Canadian nonprofit
tackling domestic violence, pointed out that a savvy enough
perpetrator can play federal courts against provincial
courts. On the other hand, it was heartening to see others
recognize, name, and openly address the template that I
When I left the group in
2011, I soon recognized
that my mind had been
hijacked and locked
into an ideology—a
psychological prison.
19 VOLUME 11 |ISSUE 1 |2020
have been recognizing more and more over time—the
one that abusers worldwide employ. It wasn’t that long
ago that such secrecy prevailed victim blame was so
prevalent that most people preferred to stay silent in the
face of abuse.
Solutions
At the Coercive Control conference, it was also exciting to
engage in an open discussion that proposed solutions:
best practices when working with specific populations
such as immigrant communities, persons struggling
with sexuality and gender identity, and victims of
abusive partners, and with societal mechanisms such as
those that establish case law regarding coercive control
through civil courts and educational programs for police.
Professor Rod Dubrow-Marshall presented on the
United Kingdom’s Serious Crime Act (2015), which
specifically includes psychological control and
coercion. He contended that legislators are sending a
clear message: Psychological badgering constitutes a
serious crime: Threats, isolation, and financial control
are criminal offenses, akin to physical violence and rape.
This perspective gives me hope that humanity is tipping
the scales of social acceptance toward those who have
experienced such treatment and said no to abuse.
If efforts to collaborate across professions and fields
of study continue, I feel confident that a myriad of
innovative solutions will follow. It’s exciting to see those
connections starting to happen. Community within the
social-service, policy-making, legal, public-safety, and
education professions could provide an answer to my
question, “Will abusive relationships ever be eradicated,
or at least reduced to rare incidents, unaccepted by
the world at large, prosecuted, or, better yet, treated as
an illness?” I’m happy to say that I remain hopeful that
these outcomes are possible, and that maybe that trend
was launched, in part, by this day-long conference that
unfolded in Philadelphia in December of 2018. n
References
Amazon.com. (n.d.). Online book review. Available online at https://
smile.amazon.com/Coercive-Control-Personal-Interpersonal-Violence/
dp/0195384040/
Ellin, A. (2016). With coercive control the abuse is psychological. The
New York Times, Well Blog, July 11. Available online at https://well.
blogs.nytimes.com/2016/07/11/with-coercive-control-the-abuse-is-
psychological/
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life.
New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
About the Author
Esther Ruth Friedman, MA, LMHC, is a
former cult member, expressive arts therapist,
and licensed mental health counselor with
a Master’s degree from Lesley University.
She designed and opened a Boston-area
therapy practice specifically for former cult
members: The Gentle Souls Revolution—Healing Arts. She
recovered from her experience through writing, songwriting,
music, and performance. Today she works with former
members, family members, and current members who
reach out for support while exiting. In 2014, she interviewed
defendants threatened by cultic litigation for an ICSA study
on how litigious cults corrode free speech. She wrote a
report and presented her findings in 2015 at ICSA’s biannual
Santa Fe conference. As part of that study, she interviewed
attorney Peter Skolnik, the lawyer for Rick Ross of the Cult
Education Institute. ICSA Today published the interview in its
February 2017 issue. She considers free speech to be integral
to recovery as reclamation of self through the exercise of
authentic voice, personal narrative, and self-empowerment.
Her mission is to raise awareness, educate, and facilitate
healing. Contact information: (781) 951-4433, esther@
gsrhealingarts.com, or estherfriedman@hushmail.com n
If efforts to collaborate
across professions and
fields of study continue,
I feel confident that a
myriad of innovative
solutions will follow.
What Is Coercive Control?
As my obsessive research continues, I often say to my
cohorts and friends, “…abuse is abuse. The dynamics are the
same, wherever, whatever, whenever.” In December 2018, I
joined professionals across fields—academic, mental health,
legal, and advocacy—at ICSA’s Domestic Abuse and Coercive
Control conference in Philadelphia, PA. Professors Linda
and Rod Dubrow-Marshall brought participants from cultic
studies and sexual-identity studies, and domestic-violence
advocates, immigration experts, researchers, and mental-
health clinicians together to discuss coercive control, share
knowledge and resources, and seek solutions.
I heard the name Evan Stark, the Rutger’s professor, for the
first time that day. I have since learned that, in 2007, while
I was entrenched in the cultic group, Stark published his
book Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal
Life (Stark, 2007). In the book, he reframed domestic
violence as a crime against freedom, also called a “liberty
crime”—behavior that violates personhood, the basic civil
rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Amazon.
com’s website frames this book as showing how “domestic
violence is … a pattern of controlling behaviors more akin
to terrorism and hostage-taking” [Amazon.com (n.d.)]. Stark
used court records, interviews, and FBI statistics to detail
control that includes food logs, micromanagement of
dress, speech, sexual activity, and work. The Association of
American Publishers granted Stark its Excellence Award for
the book.
When I left the group in 2011, I soon recognized that my
mind had been hijacked and locked into an ideology—a
psychological prison. Similar to such depictions in Stark’s
book (2007)—terrorism, hostage taking, cults, human
trafficking, extremist groups, domestic abusers—whatever
the context, abusers use a template. Specific behaviors play
out through stages of relationship development. The intent
behind the behavior is always to strip the victim of agency,
freedom, and independence, through a cycle of seduction
followed by cruelty, a progression that rinses and repeats.
Over the course of my obsessive odyssey, I had come up
with the phrase, cultic social engineering: “unique group”
offers “exclusive help” to those seeking betterment employs
love bombing isolates members from nonmembers fosters
dependence increases demands through the you owe us and
we own you doctrine to eventually deploy for selfish gain.
At the conference, I learned about the cycle of coercion:
bait, seduce, foster dependence, isolate, switch, attack, rinse
out with kindness, and repeat. I was also reminded that
domestic violence experts have boiled the abusive strategies
down to a three-part cycle: honeymoon, tension building,
and explosion and then a recycling back to the honeymoon
stage, also known as hearts and flowers. I’m confident that
extremist groups and human traffickers have their own take
on the template.
The 2018 conference was the first time that I had seen
professionals across fields come together to bridge gaps
between areas of study and specifically address the
template.
Societal Implications
Evidence indicates a growing interest in the phenomenon of
coercive control. A July 2016 blog post in The New York Times,
entitled “With Coercive Control the Abuse Is Psychological,”
defined coercive control as “an abusive relationship in which
the abuser applies an ongoing and multipronged strategy,
with tactics that include manipulation, humiliation, isolation,
financial abuse, stalking, gaslighting and sometimes
physical or sexual abuse” (Ellin, 2016). Blog author Abby Ellin
noted that, in 2015, both England and Wales criminalized
“coercive and controlling behavior in an intimate or family
relationship” (Ellin, 2016). She reported that “at least four
men” had been sentenced (Ellin, 2016).
Numerous fictional TV series and programs have centered
their plotlines on social control and chaos: The Leftovers
(2014–2017), Wild Wild Country (2018–present), The Path
(2016–2018), and, of course, The Handmaid’s Tale (2017–
present). Leah Remini’s series, Scientology and the Aftermath
(2016–2019), is now pointing the spotlight at Jehovah’s
Witnesses. Additionally, the 2010 documentary film Power
and Control depicted one woman’s struggle to leave her
abusive marriage, with her three children.
On the one hand, it can be depressing to recognize
the pervasive presence of abusive relationships. At the
Coercive Control conference, a good portion of the day
addressed coercion through the courts. Andrea Silverstone,
the Executive Director of Sagesse, a Canadian nonprofit
tackling domestic violence, pointed out that a savvy enough
perpetrator can play federal courts against provincial
courts. On the other hand, it was heartening to see others
recognize, name, and openly address the template that I
When I left the group in
2011, I soon recognized
that my mind had been
hijacked and locked
into an ideology—a
psychological prison.
19 VOLUME 11 |ISSUE 1 |2020
have been recognizing more and more over time—the
one that abusers worldwide employ. It wasn’t that long
ago that such secrecy prevailed victim blame was so
prevalent that most people preferred to stay silent in the
face of abuse.
Solutions
At the Coercive Control conference, it was also exciting to
engage in an open discussion that proposed solutions:
best practices when working with specific populations
such as immigrant communities, persons struggling
with sexuality and gender identity, and victims of
abusive partners, and with societal mechanisms such as
those that establish case law regarding coercive control
through civil courts and educational programs for police.
Professor Rod Dubrow-Marshall presented on the
United Kingdom’s Serious Crime Act (2015), which
specifically includes psychological control and
coercion. He contended that legislators are sending a
clear message: Psychological badgering constitutes a
serious crime: Threats, isolation, and financial control
are criminal offenses, akin to physical violence and rape.
This perspective gives me hope that humanity is tipping
the scales of social acceptance toward those who have
experienced such treatment and said no to abuse.
If efforts to collaborate across professions and fields
of study continue, I feel confident that a myriad of
innovative solutions will follow. It’s exciting to see those
connections starting to happen. Community within the
social-service, policy-making, legal, public-safety, and
education professions could provide an answer to my
question, “Will abusive relationships ever be eradicated,
or at least reduced to rare incidents, unaccepted by
the world at large, prosecuted, or, better yet, treated as
an illness?” I’m happy to say that I remain hopeful that
these outcomes are possible, and that maybe that trend
was launched, in part, by this day-long conference that
unfolded in Philadelphia in December of 2018. n
References
Amazon.com. (n.d.). Online book review. Available online at https://
smile.amazon.com/Coercive-Control-Personal-Interpersonal-Violence/
dp/0195384040/
Ellin, A. (2016). With coercive control the abuse is psychological. The
New York Times, Well Blog, July 11. Available online at https://well.
blogs.nytimes.com/2016/07/11/with-coercive-control-the-abuse-is-
psychological/
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life.
New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
About the Author
Esther Ruth Friedman, MA, LMHC, is a
former cult member, expressive arts therapist,
and licensed mental health counselor with
a Master’s degree from Lesley University.
She designed and opened a Boston-area
therapy practice specifically for former cult
members: The Gentle Souls Revolution—Healing Arts. She
recovered from her experience through writing, songwriting,
music, and performance. Today she works with former
members, family members, and current members who
reach out for support while exiting. In 2014, she interviewed
defendants threatened by cultic litigation for an ICSA study
on how litigious cults corrode free speech. She wrote a
report and presented her findings in 2015 at ICSA’s biannual
Santa Fe conference. As part of that study, she interviewed
attorney Peter Skolnik, the lawyer for Rick Ross of the Cult
Education Institute. ICSA Today published the interview in its
February 2017 issue. She considers free speech to be integral
to recovery as reclamation of self through the exercise of
authentic voice, personal narrative, and self-empowerment.
Her mission is to raise awareness, educate, and facilitate
healing. Contact information: (781) 951-4433, esther@
gsrhealingarts.com, or estherfriedman@hushmail.com n
If efforts to collaborate
across professions and
fields of study continue,
I feel confident that a
myriad of innovative
solutions will follow.
