16 ICSA TODAY
an event or series of events.12The trauma response of the brain,
or lack thereof, is unique to each individual and where some
perceive a threat, others may see protection. The intentions of
those advocating some of the teachings of purity culture may
be good in many cases. But for those of us who do internalize
these teachings with intense fear and shame, the lack of
understanding or discussion about their darker effects can leave
many feeling isolated and alone. Furthermore, many doctors
and therapists are afraid of being seen as antireligious if they
connect a patient’s sexual-trauma symptoms to their spiritual
beliefs and because of the taboos surrounding sex in most
religious communities, many individuals continue suffering in
mystification and silence, going untreated.
The good news is that symptoms of sexual trauma resulting
from purity culture often can be treated.
The Healing
Everyone’s path to healing is unique. Recent years have
seen an uptick in counselors and therapists familiar with the
repercussions of being raised in purity culture, and many have
been there themselves. Some approaches to recovery from
this brand of sexual shame involve traditional psychotherapy,
while other methods take a less conventional approach. I found
healing through a combination of the two.
I was in therapy for nearly three years following my departure
from faith. Therapy helped me work through a lot of the anxiety
I had around dating and sex, encouraging me to explore and
maintain healthy boundaries as I did so. Another way I found
healing was far less expected. Through an unlikely string of
events, I started working as an actress and model when I was
17. When I was 18, and still reeling from ending my betrothal to
Luke, I accepted the offer of a topless modeling job. I was fully
aware that I was in no small way rebelling against purity culture.
Rebellion, I learned, can sometimes be good medicine.
During the photoshoot, something happened to me.
Something good. While I stood under black and blue lights,
almost completely naked, and while the male photographer
was shooting me and making me feel safe, I made a conscious
decision: that I would let my inhibitions go as I had never let
them go before. And there in that dark, safe space, staring
straight into the camera lens, I felt something come over me
that I had never felt before. I felt power. And what is power if not
an opposite of shame?
The first thing many women do when they leave religious purity
culture is rebel against it. Amish girls on Rumspringa might
have boudoir photos taken. Women who leave the FLDS church
might cut their hair and wear makeup. Ex-Muslim women might
trade their burqas for bikinis. Reclaiming power takes many
forms, and some may dismiss these actions as juvenile, as an
understandable yet overreactive bucking of authority. I think
the motive behind many such rebellions is far deeper, far more
profound, and sacredly beautiful. These actions are often not
only symbols of defiance. They also are symbols of deliverance,
of liberation, and the fierce proclamation of self-ownership. We
are more than rebels. We are healers, finding wholeness through
the uninhibited embrace of our sensuality.
That day, I let my body move however I wanted to. I was fully
in my senses, aware of my hair, my goosebumps, my breath,
my beauty. My power. I know this story might be a little
unconventional to share but finding healing through the
power of my sensuality is my truth, and it was modeling that
first introduced me to this. I left my photoshoot feeling like a
significant transformation had taken place. I didn’t know what
to call it. I didn’t have a name for the freedom that I felt unleash
within my body, accompanied by an unspoken and resounding
vow that my body and I were never going back. We were never
going back to shame. We never going back to suppression. We
were never going back to powerlessness. I would later think
of that photoshoot as a mystical experience, as a profound
moment of healing where, for the first time, I forgave myself for
being a woman.
What I know now is that I was experiencing a glimmer of what
therapists and coaches might call embodiment: getting out of
my head and connecting to the wisdom of my body. Because of
that experience modeling, I started taking dance classes—pole-
dance classes. I danced for no one but myself, and letting myself
move without fear of condemnation or consequence allowed
my body to release years of stored shame.
Follow Your Truth
I’m not saying everyone needs to do a topless photoshoot or
learn to pole dance to release themselves from shame. But I
hope what you might take away from my sharing my truth is the
encouragement to find and live in your own. Diverse journeys
have brought us to where we are today. These ongoing diverse
journeys will help us continue to heal into the people we’ll be
tomorrow. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to heal. I
think we all must determine for ourselves what is true for us and
what is not.
Purity culture was real to me, but it was never true. Although I
still can recognize some of the scars of shame it has left me with,
I feel so grateful to myself for having the courage to listen to my
inner truth and learn how to follow it.
If you also find yourself struggling with sexual or romantic
difficulties that you suspect might be the result of purity culture,
this is your permission to consider it. Consider exploring with
a knowledgeable therapist or a trauma-informed embodiment
What purity culture and sexual
abuse have in common is the
violation of your sexual agency.
Both teach you that your body
belongs to someone else…
an event or series of events.12The trauma response of the brain,
or lack thereof, is unique to each individual and where some
perceive a threat, others may see protection. The intentions of
those advocating some of the teachings of purity culture may
be good in many cases. But for those of us who do internalize
these teachings with intense fear and shame, the lack of
understanding or discussion about their darker effects can leave
many feeling isolated and alone. Furthermore, many doctors
and therapists are afraid of being seen as antireligious if they
connect a patient’s sexual-trauma symptoms to their spiritual
beliefs and because of the taboos surrounding sex in most
religious communities, many individuals continue suffering in
mystification and silence, going untreated.
The good news is that symptoms of sexual trauma resulting
from purity culture often can be treated.
The Healing
Everyone’s path to healing is unique. Recent years have
seen an uptick in counselors and therapists familiar with the
repercussions of being raised in purity culture, and many have
been there themselves. Some approaches to recovery from
this brand of sexual shame involve traditional psychotherapy,
while other methods take a less conventional approach. I found
healing through a combination of the two.
I was in therapy for nearly three years following my departure
from faith. Therapy helped me work through a lot of the anxiety
I had around dating and sex, encouraging me to explore and
maintain healthy boundaries as I did so. Another way I found
healing was far less expected. Through an unlikely string of
events, I started working as an actress and model when I was
17. When I was 18, and still reeling from ending my betrothal to
Luke, I accepted the offer of a topless modeling job. I was fully
aware that I was in no small way rebelling against purity culture.
Rebellion, I learned, can sometimes be good medicine.
During the photoshoot, something happened to me.
Something good. While I stood under black and blue lights,
almost completely naked, and while the male photographer
was shooting me and making me feel safe, I made a conscious
decision: that I would let my inhibitions go as I had never let
them go before. And there in that dark, safe space, staring
straight into the camera lens, I felt something come over me
that I had never felt before. I felt power. And what is power if not
an opposite of shame?
The first thing many women do when they leave religious purity
culture is rebel against it. Amish girls on Rumspringa might
have boudoir photos taken. Women who leave the FLDS church
might cut their hair and wear makeup. Ex-Muslim women might
trade their burqas for bikinis. Reclaiming power takes many
forms, and some may dismiss these actions as juvenile, as an
understandable yet overreactive bucking of authority. I think
the motive behind many such rebellions is far deeper, far more
profound, and sacredly beautiful. These actions are often not
only symbols of defiance. They also are symbols of deliverance,
of liberation, and the fierce proclamation of self-ownership. We
are more than rebels. We are healers, finding wholeness through
the uninhibited embrace of our sensuality.
That day, I let my body move however I wanted to. I was fully
in my senses, aware of my hair, my goosebumps, my breath,
my beauty. My power. I know this story might be a little
unconventional to share but finding healing through the
power of my sensuality is my truth, and it was modeling that
first introduced me to this. I left my photoshoot feeling like a
significant transformation had taken place. I didn’t know what
to call it. I didn’t have a name for the freedom that I felt unleash
within my body, accompanied by an unspoken and resounding
vow that my body and I were never going back. We were never
going back to shame. We never going back to suppression. We
were never going back to powerlessness. I would later think
of that photoshoot as a mystical experience, as a profound
moment of healing where, for the first time, I forgave myself for
being a woman.
What I know now is that I was experiencing a glimmer of what
therapists and coaches might call embodiment: getting out of
my head and connecting to the wisdom of my body. Because of
that experience modeling, I started taking dance classes—pole-
dance classes. I danced for no one but myself, and letting myself
move without fear of condemnation or consequence allowed
my body to release years of stored shame.
Follow Your Truth
I’m not saying everyone needs to do a topless photoshoot or
learn to pole dance to release themselves from shame. But I
hope what you might take away from my sharing my truth is the
encouragement to find and live in your own. Diverse journeys
have brought us to where we are today. These ongoing diverse
journeys will help us continue to heal into the people we’ll be
tomorrow. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to heal. I
think we all must determine for ourselves what is true for us and
what is not.
Purity culture was real to me, but it was never true. Although I
still can recognize some of the scars of shame it has left me with,
I feel so grateful to myself for having the courage to listen to my
inner truth and learn how to follow it.
If you also find yourself struggling with sexual or romantic
difficulties that you suspect might be the result of purity culture,
this is your permission to consider it. Consider exploring with
a knowledgeable therapist or a trauma-informed embodiment
What purity culture and sexual
abuse have in common is the
violation of your sexual agency.
Both teach you that your body
belongs to someone else…
