Dear Roseanne,
My husband and I were recruited into
a Christian cult when we were in our
mid-twenties. Despite some misgiv-
ings, we stayed for almost 20 years
and had two daughters who were
born and raised in the cult. When our
daughters became adults, they left
the cult 2 years later my husband
and I left also. My problem is that our
daughters are still furious with my
husband and me for joining the cult
and staying for so many years. They
blame us for their unhappy child-
hood in the cult and can’t get beyond
their anger. We have tried to explain
to them why we did it and how we
were under the influence of mind
control, but they think this is just a
lousy excuse. Do you have any sug-
gestions about how to deal with this
so we can get this issue behind us?
Most children raised in cults have
legitimate reasons to be angry
about what their parents did or did
not do while in the cult. At the same
time, most parents feel terrible
about how the cult interfered with
their ability to love, nurture, and
protect their own children. Are you
able to listen to your daughters’
concerns without feeling too over-
whelmed? Can you address some of
their issues specifically, explaining
why you could not be there for
them? As you respond, try to illus-
trate some aspect of thought
reform. For example, one of Lifton’s
criteria, Doctrine Over Person, may
help to illustrate why they could not
go to public school and get a real
education even though you plead-
ed with the leader for this. Do your
children know that you were pun-
ished for advocating for them, that
you were made to feel that there
was something really wrong with
you for wanting your children in a
“worldly school?” Eventually you did
give in to the leader’s demands
because you were convinced that it
was for your children’s own good.
Hopefully these ideas will invite a
more respectful conversation that
includes both of your perspectives.
When this conversation begins, it
will be important for your daugh-
ters to understand your bounded
choice to join the cult and stay for
so many years. Otherwise they will
not be able to see how the leader-
ship usurped your authority and
even your availability to be the
mother and father that you wanted
to be. You can explain how you
wanted to stay home and care for
them, and how the leader demand-
ed that you work 60 hours a week
for the cult business. Then there
were the times that they misbe-
haved in church after 4 hours of
church service, and the leader
would not let you take them home
and comfort them but made you
discipline them until they stopped
crying. Too often you were not
allowed to be the parent you want-
ed to be… it was tortuous for you.
Your children need to hear your
story of what happened, just as
they need you to hear theirs. Will
they consider giving you a second
chance to be there for them? What
would improve your relationship
today? How will they know that it
will be different this time, that they
really can depend on you? Could
you help them access therapy,
recovery workshops, college, even
travel opportunities?
If they continue to push you away, I
would encourage you to be patient,
give them some space, and try again
later. Keeping the channels of com-
munication open will be important.
This holding pattern will probably
remain until you and your daughters
can talk more honestly and openly
about what really happened back at
the cult. ■
Point of View
by guest columnist Rosanne Henry, M.A., L.P.C.
About the
Author
Rosanne
Henry,
M.A., L.P.C.,
is a psychother-
apist practicing
in Littleton,
Colorado.
She is on ICSA’s
Board of Directors and heads ICSA’s
Mental Health Committee. She has
facilitated ICSA’s Recovery Workshops
for fifteen years and, in her private
practice, specializes in the treatment
of cult survivors and their families.
www.CultRecover.com
Rosanne@cultrecover.com.
Send questions for Bill or for
other guest columnists
to mail@icsamail.com
VOLUME 2 |NUMBER 1 |2011 13
despite ongoing family influences, we both agree that it’s
not worth denying our past to maintain a relationship. If
we pretend that the early decades of our lives never hap-
pened, then our identity is not whole. We’ve tried it does-
n’t work. And thus we remain single.
Susan said, “I love the 14 year-old my father married when I
was 12. Not that I agree with that lifestyle, but she is part
of my family. I recently ran into my ex-mother-in-law (still
living in polygamy) she said she misses me and still loves
me. That must have been hard for her. We were happy to
see one another!”
I explained my aging parents my father died last year,
still in fantasy-think. My father believed he must have
been a terrible person in a past life, that his decades of
crippling pain were punishment for past-life transgres-
sions, not due to his stubborn refusal to obtain proper
medical care. He spent thousands of dollars on Maharishi’s
various mystical treatments.
As the next of kin, Susan and I try to keep our elders safe
despite the challenges of their fantasy-based realities. Yet
we simultaneously keep an emotional distance to protect
our own sanity.
Susan and I discussed what we called the third-generation
effects in our respective families. Our adult children are
divided between their post-cult lives and influences from
idealistic, well-intentioned, cult-think family members who
accuse us: “Your mother is blaming others. She’s not taking
responsibility for her life.” At the same time, we attempt to
explain to our respective children the limiting effects from
a cult lifestyle and beliefs.
Both Susan and I were the only family members who
explained the awkward past to our children we apolo-
gized for our contribution to continuing the legacies when
we were still sorting our own psyches. We absorb justifi-
able anger from our adult children. We hold a family base
and acknowledge the larger families’ confusing mixed
messages and our errors in judgment. We give as we can
personally and professionally to prevent such future abus-
es. Our part-time activism seems to keep the wounds open
for our adult children. We’ve learned to tread lightly on the
topic at home, while using our history to help others.
On a lighter note, coincidently Susan and I were both born
in New York City, before our parents’ involvement with
extreme sects. The New York conference was a shared
homecoming, to more innocent childhood times and to
exploring the city we loved but had not previously learned
to navigate. Susan and I were equally surprised to find the
extent of our commonalities, when our backgrounds
appeared to be so different—a daughter of polygamy and
a daughter of Maharishi devotees.
At the conference, we had similar conversations with oth-
ers from around the world who cope with mixed cult influ-
ences on children. While ICSA and others in the cult-stud-
ies field begin to study and publish about SGAs, time
marches onward. Many SGAs are now middle-aged and
older. We brainstorm among ourselves how best to sup-
port our children, the third-generation adults. We try to
provide straightforward communication about difficult
topics. Another woman raised in polygamy told of her
grown son’s insight. Out of the blue he said, “It will take
several generations to get this out of our family, won’t it?”
Her son is correct.
Highlights of participating with ICSA? It can be simultane-
ously rewarding and exhausting to connect with others with
similar eclectic interests. One friend said, “We are bonded by
a shared pain. We are also bonded by shared victory!”
My children ask how involvement with an ICSA conference
differs from Maharishi’s various advanced courses around
the world. ICSA is not a destructive group. There are neither
political nor religious belief requirements, nor are there
lifestyle or sexual-orientation mandates. There is no charis-
matic unaccountable leadership. There are no practices that
alter one’s mental state to raise susceptibility to suggestion.
There are no secret inner teachings for which one must
earn access rights, nor are there mystical ceremonies (oper-
ating AV equipment was a mystical rite for me!).
ICSA is a group, as any honest human group, with a com-
mon purpose. ICSA members rejoice in shared common
purpose we don’t always agree. We share, discuss, agree-
to-disagree, and then return to our private lives. Those of
us from a cult background believe in using our past to
advance the common good. For those of us who live with
ongoing cross-cultural influences, connecting and learning
from one another is invaluable. ■
Notes
Welter, G. (2009, February 12). Huge pot grow raided. Chico Enterprise-Record Article ID
11685597 (Source: http://nl.newsbank.com).
Fairfield Ledger. (2009, February 19). Five arrested on drug charges in California. (Source:
http://goldentrianglenewspapers.com/articles/2009/02/19/top20stories/20265923.txt).
12 ICSA TODAY
About the Author
Gina Catena, M.S., was
raised in the Transcendental
Meditation group, as an
early “Child of the Age of
Enlightenment.” She married
and was a parent in the
group until the age of 30.
After twenty-two years of
childhood and young adult-
hood enmeshed in the
TM culture, she left the group with three children,
obtained an education and career while integrating
into mainstream culture. She lives with ongoing cult
influence through three generations of her immediate
family. Ms. Catena contributed to the anthology,
Children of Cults: On Healing Spiritual Abuse edited
by Nori Muster. Ms. Catena is also working on several
projects about family influence in cults. She obtained
a Masters of Science from the University of California
at San Francisco, a B.A. in Art History, and a B.S. in Nurs-
ing, with a minor in psychology. She is now a Certified
Nurse-Midwife and Nurse Practitioner.
"Your children need to hear your story of
what happened, just as they need you to
hear theirs. Will they consider giving you a
second chance to be there for them? What
would improve your relationship today?"
ICSA_volume3_proof6 5/10/11 12:14 PM Page 14
My husband and I were recruited into
a Christian cult when we were in our
mid-twenties. Despite some misgiv-
ings, we stayed for almost 20 years
and had two daughters who were
born and raised in the cult. When our
daughters became adults, they left
the cult 2 years later my husband
and I left also. My problem is that our
daughters are still furious with my
husband and me for joining the cult
and staying for so many years. They
blame us for their unhappy child-
hood in the cult and can’t get beyond
their anger. We have tried to explain
to them why we did it and how we
were under the influence of mind
control, but they think this is just a
lousy excuse. Do you have any sug-
gestions about how to deal with this
so we can get this issue behind us?
Most children raised in cults have
legitimate reasons to be angry
about what their parents did or did
not do while in the cult. At the same
time, most parents feel terrible
about how the cult interfered with
their ability to love, nurture, and
protect their own children. Are you
able to listen to your daughters’
concerns without feeling too over-
whelmed? Can you address some of
their issues specifically, explaining
why you could not be there for
them? As you respond, try to illus-
trate some aspect of thought
reform. For example, one of Lifton’s
criteria, Doctrine Over Person, may
help to illustrate why they could not
go to public school and get a real
education even though you plead-
ed with the leader for this. Do your
children know that you were pun-
ished for advocating for them, that
you were made to feel that there
was something really wrong with
you for wanting your children in a
“worldly school?” Eventually you did
give in to the leader’s demands
because you were convinced that it
was for your children’s own good.
Hopefully these ideas will invite a
more respectful conversation that
includes both of your perspectives.
When this conversation begins, it
will be important for your daugh-
ters to understand your bounded
choice to join the cult and stay for
so many years. Otherwise they will
not be able to see how the leader-
ship usurped your authority and
even your availability to be the
mother and father that you wanted
to be. You can explain how you
wanted to stay home and care for
them, and how the leader demand-
ed that you work 60 hours a week
for the cult business. Then there
were the times that they misbe-
haved in church after 4 hours of
church service, and the leader
would not let you take them home
and comfort them but made you
discipline them until they stopped
crying. Too often you were not
allowed to be the parent you want-
ed to be… it was tortuous for you.
Your children need to hear your
story of what happened, just as
they need you to hear theirs. Will
they consider giving you a second
chance to be there for them? What
would improve your relationship
today? How will they know that it
will be different this time, that they
really can depend on you? Could
you help them access therapy,
recovery workshops, college, even
travel opportunities?
If they continue to push you away, I
would encourage you to be patient,
give them some space, and try again
later. Keeping the channels of com-
munication open will be important.
This holding pattern will probably
remain until you and your daughters
can talk more honestly and openly
about what really happened back at
the cult. ■
Point of View
by guest columnist Rosanne Henry, M.A., L.P.C.
About the
Author
Rosanne
Henry,
M.A., L.P.C.,
is a psychother-
apist practicing
in Littleton,
Colorado.
She is on ICSA’s
Board of Directors and heads ICSA’s
Mental Health Committee. She has
facilitated ICSA’s Recovery Workshops
for fifteen years and, in her private
practice, specializes in the treatment
of cult survivors and their families.
www.CultRecover.com
Rosanne@cultrecover.com.
Send questions for Bill or for
other guest columnists
to mail@icsamail.com
VOLUME 2 |NUMBER 1 |2011 13
despite ongoing family influences, we both agree that it’s
not worth denying our past to maintain a relationship. If
we pretend that the early decades of our lives never hap-
pened, then our identity is not whole. We’ve tried it does-
n’t work. And thus we remain single.
Susan said, “I love the 14 year-old my father married when I
was 12. Not that I agree with that lifestyle, but she is part
of my family. I recently ran into my ex-mother-in-law (still
living in polygamy) she said she misses me and still loves
me. That must have been hard for her. We were happy to
see one another!”
I explained my aging parents my father died last year,
still in fantasy-think. My father believed he must have
been a terrible person in a past life, that his decades of
crippling pain were punishment for past-life transgres-
sions, not due to his stubborn refusal to obtain proper
medical care. He spent thousands of dollars on Maharishi’s
various mystical treatments.
As the next of kin, Susan and I try to keep our elders safe
despite the challenges of their fantasy-based realities. Yet
we simultaneously keep an emotional distance to protect
our own sanity.
Susan and I discussed what we called the third-generation
effects in our respective families. Our adult children are
divided between their post-cult lives and influences from
idealistic, well-intentioned, cult-think family members who
accuse us: “Your mother is blaming others. She’s not taking
responsibility for her life.” At the same time, we attempt to
explain to our respective children the limiting effects from
a cult lifestyle and beliefs.
Both Susan and I were the only family members who
explained the awkward past to our children we apolo-
gized for our contribution to continuing the legacies when
we were still sorting our own psyches. We absorb justifi-
able anger from our adult children. We hold a family base
and acknowledge the larger families’ confusing mixed
messages and our errors in judgment. We give as we can
personally and professionally to prevent such future abus-
es. Our part-time activism seems to keep the wounds open
for our adult children. We’ve learned to tread lightly on the
topic at home, while using our history to help others.
On a lighter note, coincidently Susan and I were both born
in New York City, before our parents’ involvement with
extreme sects. The New York conference was a shared
homecoming, to more innocent childhood times and to
exploring the city we loved but had not previously learned
to navigate. Susan and I were equally surprised to find the
extent of our commonalities, when our backgrounds
appeared to be so different—a daughter of polygamy and
a daughter of Maharishi devotees.
At the conference, we had similar conversations with oth-
ers from around the world who cope with mixed cult influ-
ences on children. While ICSA and others in the cult-stud-
ies field begin to study and publish about SGAs, time
marches onward. Many SGAs are now middle-aged and
older. We brainstorm among ourselves how best to sup-
port our children, the third-generation adults. We try to
provide straightforward communication about difficult
topics. Another woman raised in polygamy told of her
grown son’s insight. Out of the blue he said, “It will take
several generations to get this out of our family, won’t it?”
Her son is correct.
Highlights of participating with ICSA? It can be simultane-
ously rewarding and exhausting to connect with others with
similar eclectic interests. One friend said, “We are bonded by
a shared pain. We are also bonded by shared victory!”
My children ask how involvement with an ICSA conference
differs from Maharishi’s various advanced courses around
the world. ICSA is not a destructive group. There are neither
political nor religious belief requirements, nor are there
lifestyle or sexual-orientation mandates. There is no charis-
matic unaccountable leadership. There are no practices that
alter one’s mental state to raise susceptibility to suggestion.
There are no secret inner teachings for which one must
earn access rights, nor are there mystical ceremonies (oper-
ating AV equipment was a mystical rite for me!).
ICSA is a group, as any honest human group, with a com-
mon purpose. ICSA members rejoice in shared common
purpose we don’t always agree. We share, discuss, agree-
to-disagree, and then return to our private lives. Those of
us from a cult background believe in using our past to
advance the common good. For those of us who live with
ongoing cross-cultural influences, connecting and learning
from one another is invaluable. ■
Notes
Welter, G. (2009, February 12). Huge pot grow raided. Chico Enterprise-Record Article ID
11685597 (Source: http://nl.newsbank.com).
Fairfield Ledger. (2009, February 19). Five arrested on drug charges in California. (Source:
http://goldentrianglenewspapers.com/articles/2009/02/19/top20stories/20265923.txt).
12 ICSA TODAY
About the Author
Gina Catena, M.S., was
raised in the Transcendental
Meditation group, as an
early “Child of the Age of
Enlightenment.” She married
and was a parent in the
group until the age of 30.
After twenty-two years of
childhood and young adult-
hood enmeshed in the
TM culture, she left the group with three children,
obtained an education and career while integrating
into mainstream culture. She lives with ongoing cult
influence through three generations of her immediate
family. Ms. Catena contributed to the anthology,
Children of Cults: On Healing Spiritual Abuse edited
by Nori Muster. Ms. Catena is also working on several
projects about family influence in cults. She obtained
a Masters of Science from the University of California
at San Francisco, a B.A. in Art History, and a B.S. in Nurs-
ing, with a minor in psychology. She is now a Certified
Nurse-Midwife and Nurse Practitioner.
"Your children need to hear your story of
what happened, just as they need you to
hear theirs. Will they consider giving you a
second chance to be there for them? What
would improve your relationship today?"
ICSA_volume3_proof6 5/10/11 12:14 PM Page 14
