VOLUME 2 |NUMBER 1 |2011 19
group of people. But now that the
Prophet has decided I’m supposed to
marry his father, it’s out of the question.
“You know the Prophet has chosen me
to marry your father, right?”
“Yeah, I know.” He makes a face. “Con-
gratulations.”
“Hugh! Aren’t you scared of getting into
trouble?”
He walks over to me so he can speak
very softly without being overheard.
“Listen, Tammy. Your mother and Leah
are busy out back. If we drive into town
right now, you can do what you have
to do.”
So he knows I want to get away. And if
he knows, who else knows? But if Hugh
takes me to Cresthaven, I could phone
Auntie Ruth from the store.
“Okay, let me finish this up and then
I’ll go.”
Hugh waves as if to say, drop that. “Let’s
get while the getting’s good.”
We get in and he backs the old panel
van down the driveway. Soon we pass
the KEEP SWEET sign, and then the big-
ger ones to keep away the Gentiles.
We’re in town in fifteen minutes. It’s not
a long drive.
Hugh cruises down the full length of
the main drag. It takes maybe five min-
utes to do this, and then he asks, “You
want to go for ice cream right away or
maybe just drive around a bit?” I know
he wants to keep driving so I tell him to
go right ahead and he goes back out
onto the highway again. We get going
a really good speed, just like the
tourists, as if we were heading to
Castlegar. The sun is baking the coun-
tryside and it’s dry and stark, like every-
thing is standing out in sharp relief. I
crank down the window and rest my
right arm on the door. The mountains
are going by and I’m trying to spot coy-
otes or deer out the window, but all I
can make out is the skittering of
ground squirrels through the dry grass.
Far away to the west I can see a couple
of eagles high in the sky.
“You know what I’m thinking?” Hugh
looks over at me for a moment, then
back at the road.
“What?” I’m trying to guess.
“I’m thinking we should just forget
about Merciful and keep on driving.”
“Where would we go?”
“Vancouver.”
“Vancouver? What for?”
“Just to get away. To get lost. I’ve got
some money.”
“What would we do?”
“Look. You don’t want to marry Dad,
right?”
I don’t answer.
“You don’t have to say. Anyway, listen,
Tammy. I made a big mistake last week.
Big, big mistake.” He slaps the dash-
board with his right hand.
“Mistake? What did you do?”
“I told Dad that now that I’m old
enough, I want to marry you.”
I clasp my hands in my lap and look
down at them. I feel both pleased and
ashamed. I don’t want to marry either
of them. I want to stay in school. Finally
I ask, “So what did he say?”
Hugh waves his hand, but doesn’t say
anything for a moment. We’re going
faster than the speed limit and I wonder
if I should mention it. “He told me I was
speaking out of my proper place and
he’s going to ask the Prophet to send
me on a mission to straighten out my
attitude.
“A mission? Like to Utah or Arizona or
something?”
“Arizona. I’m supposed to leave tomor-
row. But here’s what I think. He’s just
getting rid of me so he can have you.
The same thing happened to Simon
Cartwright, remember? When he was
old enough to get married, they sent
him away, too.”
“He was the one that wanted to marry
Esther, right?”
“Right. But Elder Thornton wanted
Esther.”
Hugh keeps driving west.
I consider Hugh’s offer. Hugh notices
how fast he’s driving and slows down a
little. I think about what would happen
if I say yes. It probably wouldn’t even
work. How far would we get before
they called the police? Could we stay
lost for long, with me under age? How
would we explain it?
On the other hand, what did I have to
lose? If I try to call Auntie Ruth, she
might not be able to take me in, since
she lives so close to Merciful. The eld-
ers could give her a lot of trouble. And
how could I repay her, if I just showed
up on her doorstep? That might not
work either.
“I’ve got to warn you, though,” Hugh
says after a while.
I look up.
“If you run away, they might just replace
you with somebody else. Somebody
younger, if you know what I mean.”
I gasp. “Diana? You mean Diana! Oh, my
God, Hugh! They wouldn’t do that,
would they?”
Hugh shrugs. “I’ve heard father saying
that the Prophet wants to start marry-
ing off girls before they get rebellious.”
Diana. One time when she was little,
she was crying because she was scared
of a thunderstorm, and I hugged her
and promised her I would protect her
forever. I want to keep that promise.
But how can I?
“Hugh, can we just sneak back and grab
Diana and take her with us?”
“Tammy, there’s no time! If we’re going
to do this, we’ve got to go now.”
I sit for a moment, thinking. If I run off
with Hugh and it doesn’t work out and I
go back to Merciful, I’ll be punished
severely. But if we go back, I’ll have to
leave school so I can marry Shem Fill-
more and have babies. I don’t think I can
face that. But I’m afraid of leaving, too.
Finally I wave my hand at the road
ahead. “O.K., Hugh.Let’s go. Let’s get
lost.” ■
About the
Author
Kenneth
Neufeld,
M.F.A., is a
Canadian-born
writer who
currently lives
near Schenec-
tady, New York with his wife and
step-daughter. He is the author of
Heartbreak and Rage: Ten Years
Under Sun Myung Moon, A Cult
Survivor's Memoir. He is currently
working on a collection of stories
about people caught up in cults or
other intense high-demand groups
and churches. He has participated in
the Phoenix Project in 2006, 2008
and 2010, where he read some of
his stories aloud.
18 ICSA TODAY
white stones set in the dirt. This sign
says KEEP SWEET, which means stay
quiet, don’t complain, be happy. But I
don’t think I can keep sweet anymore,
not since the time I noticed Hugh look-
ing at me. That’s when I started think-
ing I’d like to make up my own mind
about the person I’ll marry.
The gravel road passes by the school
and houses and ends in front of the
main meeting hall. I’m walking past one
of the houses of Elder Filmore and I see
Florence and Bathsheba and some of
their kids in the backyard. Flo and Beth
are hanging up the wash on the
clotheslines. It’s a fine day for hanging
clothes out, with only a little wind and
lots of heat. I wave and Flo waves back.
She’s expecting another baby soon and
so she moves awkwardly, her stomach
bulging. That baby will be Elder Fil-
more’s nineteenth child.
It used to be the rule that girls didn’t
get married until they were sixteen, but
lately they’re marrying off girls younger
than that. The elders like my looks—I’ve
seen them looking—I’m tall for my age,
and slender, with long blonde hair that
I keep tied up at the back. I’ve got high
cheekbones and delicate features.
Some say I’m the prettiest of all the girls
of marrying age. I wish I weren’t. Then
maybe they’d let me stay in school.
I go to the house where my mother
Rebekah and my celestial mother Leah
and their children live. It’s a plain white
two-storey house. There are other hous-
es like it nearby clustered around a
grassy area with a sandbox and a slide
and some swings in the middle. When I
get close to the house, Diana—that’s
my sister, she’s twelve—runs right past
me and we nearly bump into each
other. At the sight of her I start worrying
the Prophet might have left instructions
about her marrying, too. But no, he
wouldn’t do that, would he? She’s too
young to be a celestial wife. Or is she?
“Hi, Tamar!” she yells, giving me a wave.
She almost trips over a toy car one of
the little boys left on the sidewalk. I
grab her before she can fall and pull her
up straight.
“Look where you’re going!” I scold, but
I don’t really feel mad because she’s
laughing her head off. Zach Filmore is
chasing her for a joke and she’s taking
him on a wild goose chase all over
Merciful.
I let her go and she takes off again,
yelling, “Bye, Tamar!” and heads for the
road, with Zach laughing and following
close behind.
I pick up the toy car, half-squished from
Diana’s foot, and take it with me inside
the house, because Daddy always gets
angry if he sees toys lying around.
“Mother, I’m back!” I shout into the
house, but instead of hearing the voice
of my mother answering, I hear Leah
calling from out back. “Oh, there you
are, Tamar. Where did you get to?”
I walk through the house to the back
door and find her sitting in a lawn chair
holding her baby, Hannah, in her lap.
She has long black hair tied up at the
back and is wearing a blue gingham
dress with puffed-out shoulders. Han-
nah is sucking on a bottle with her eyes
closed, staying quiet. I sit down next to
her in a lawn chair and look out at the
playground where a lot of the young
kids are running around shouting at
each other.
“I was out for a walk.
“Not down by the highway again, I
hope.”
“I was just walking.” I start to get up
again.
“Sit down, Tamar,” she says sharply. I do.
“The Prophet has chosen the man
you’re going to marry. You need to pre-
pare yourself.”
I scowl down at my feet in their dusty
black leather shoes, sticking out in front
of me on the lawn chair. “You’re not my
real mother,” I tell her. “Where’s Sister
Rebekah? She’s the one who should tell
me this.”
“Rebekah’s gone to town with Hugh
Filmore to pick up groceries for the
families. When she says the “families”
she means all of my father’s five fami-
lies. “Anyway, I’m also your mother in
the eyes of God. There’s no call to be
rude, Tamar.”
“Sorry. So who did the Prophet choose
for my husband?” My father should be
the one to tell me this, but he’s away in
the field and I know Leah’s dying to
tell me.
“Elder Shem Filmore. Tamar, you’re
going to be the celestial wife of the file
leader! You’ll have a wonderful place in
heaven.” Leah is looking at me side-
ways. She’s trying to guess what I’m
thinking. I’ll bet she has a pretty good
idea. She says softly, “Don’t worry,
Tamar. Before I was married, I was
scared, too. When I was chosen to
marry your father, I was a young girl not
much older than you. But look how well
everything’s worked out.”
I hear the sound of a van pulling up in
front of the house. It must be Hugh
bringing my mother back from
Cresthaven with the groceries. Then I
hear the sound of the van’s back doors
opening and bags being unloaded. I
run to help. Mother calls out to me
from inside the van while she’s handing
out the sacks: “Well, look who’s here!
Miss Nature Lover’s paying us a visit! I
could’ve used a hand at the grocery
store, you know. Did you see anything
interesting today?” She’s pretending to
be mad but I can tell she isn’t really.
Mother loves animals and birds, too.
She likes to hear me talk about them.
“I saw a hawk today, and two hares,” I
say, but then I stop. I don’t want to tell
her that story. I quickly turn, carrying
two sacks and almost bump into Hugh,
who’s standing behind me holding
open one of the van’s back doors.
“What’s the rush, Tammy?”
“Nothing, Hugh.” I duck under his arms
and hurry toward the door.
“Here, let me take those bags. He holds
out his big hands to me.
“No, I’m fine. Get your own bags!” I
dodge out of his reach. Hugh chuckles
and follows me into the house with two
more bags.
Mother’s voice comes from the back
yard, saying something to Leah. She
must be leaving it up to Hugh to
unpack the groceries. Mother’s jealous
of Leah because Daddy favors her, but
she covers it up by trying to be extra
nice to her. I can’t make out what
they’re saying.
Hugh walks past me into the kitchen
and starts unpacking the groceries.
“I can take care of that, Hugh,” I tell
him. “You’ve got more important
things to do.”
He shrugs and keeps on putting them
away. “Not right now. They’ve given me
the van for the whole afternoon. How’d
you like to go into town for ice cream?”
I stare at him, amazed. He must have
heard the news. It would be improper
at any time for him to take me into
town unless we were going with a
ICSA_volume3_proof6 5/10/11 12:14 PM Page 20
group of people. But now that the
Prophet has decided I’m supposed to
marry his father, it’s out of the question.
“You know the Prophet has chosen me
to marry your father, right?”
“Yeah, I know.” He makes a face. “Con-
gratulations.”
“Hugh! Aren’t you scared of getting into
trouble?”
He walks over to me so he can speak
very softly without being overheard.
“Listen, Tammy. Your mother and Leah
are busy out back. If we drive into town
right now, you can do what you have
to do.”
So he knows I want to get away. And if
he knows, who else knows? But if Hugh
takes me to Cresthaven, I could phone
Auntie Ruth from the store.
“Okay, let me finish this up and then
I’ll go.”
Hugh waves as if to say, drop that. “Let’s
get while the getting’s good.”
We get in and he backs the old panel
van down the driveway. Soon we pass
the KEEP SWEET sign, and then the big-
ger ones to keep away the Gentiles.
We’re in town in fifteen minutes. It’s not
a long drive.
Hugh cruises down the full length of
the main drag. It takes maybe five min-
utes to do this, and then he asks, “You
want to go for ice cream right away or
maybe just drive around a bit?” I know
he wants to keep driving so I tell him to
go right ahead and he goes back out
onto the highway again. We get going
a really good speed, just like the
tourists, as if we were heading to
Castlegar. The sun is baking the coun-
tryside and it’s dry and stark, like every-
thing is standing out in sharp relief. I
crank down the window and rest my
right arm on the door. The mountains
are going by and I’m trying to spot coy-
otes or deer out the window, but all I
can make out is the skittering of
ground squirrels through the dry grass.
Far away to the west I can see a couple
of eagles high in the sky.
“You know what I’m thinking?” Hugh
looks over at me for a moment, then
back at the road.
“What?” I’m trying to guess.
“I’m thinking we should just forget
about Merciful and keep on driving.”
“Where would we go?”
“Vancouver.”
“Vancouver? What for?”
“Just to get away. To get lost. I’ve got
some money.”
“What would we do?”
“Look. You don’t want to marry Dad,
right?”
I don’t answer.
“You don’t have to say. Anyway, listen,
Tammy. I made a big mistake last week.
Big, big mistake.” He slaps the dash-
board with his right hand.
“Mistake? What did you do?”
“I told Dad that now that I’m old
enough, I want to marry you.”
I clasp my hands in my lap and look
down at them. I feel both pleased and
ashamed. I don’t want to marry either
of them. I want to stay in school. Finally
I ask, “So what did he say?”
Hugh waves his hand, but doesn’t say
anything for a moment. We’re going
faster than the speed limit and I wonder
if I should mention it. “He told me I was
speaking out of my proper place and
he’s going to ask the Prophet to send
me on a mission to straighten out my
attitude.
“A mission? Like to Utah or Arizona or
something?”
“Arizona. I’m supposed to leave tomor-
row. But here’s what I think. He’s just
getting rid of me so he can have you.
The same thing happened to Simon
Cartwright, remember? When he was
old enough to get married, they sent
him away, too.”
“He was the one that wanted to marry
Esther, right?”
“Right. But Elder Thornton wanted
Esther.”
Hugh keeps driving west.
I consider Hugh’s offer. Hugh notices
how fast he’s driving and slows down a
little. I think about what would happen
if I say yes. It probably wouldn’t even
work. How far would we get before
they called the police? Could we stay
lost for long, with me under age? How
would we explain it?
On the other hand, what did I have to
lose? If I try to call Auntie Ruth, she
might not be able to take me in, since
she lives so close to Merciful. The eld-
ers could give her a lot of trouble. And
how could I repay her, if I just showed
up on her doorstep? That might not
work either.
“I’ve got to warn you, though,” Hugh
says after a while.
I look up.
“If you run away, they might just replace
you with somebody else. Somebody
younger, if you know what I mean.”
I gasp. “Diana? You mean Diana! Oh, my
God, Hugh! They wouldn’t do that,
would they?”
Hugh shrugs. “I’ve heard father saying
that the Prophet wants to start marry-
ing off girls before they get rebellious.”
Diana. One time when she was little,
she was crying because she was scared
of a thunderstorm, and I hugged her
and promised her I would protect her
forever. I want to keep that promise.
But how can I?
“Hugh, can we just sneak back and grab
Diana and take her with us?”
“Tammy, there’s no time! If we’re going
to do this, we’ve got to go now.”
I sit for a moment, thinking. If I run off
with Hugh and it doesn’t work out and I
go back to Merciful, I’ll be punished
severely. But if we go back, I’ll have to
leave school so I can marry Shem Fill-
more and have babies. I don’t think I can
face that. But I’m afraid of leaving, too.
Finally I wave my hand at the road
ahead. “O.K., Hugh.Let’s go. Let’s get
lost.” ■
About the
Author
Kenneth
Neufeld,
M.F.A., is a
Canadian-born
writer who
currently lives
near Schenec-
tady, New York with his wife and
step-daughter. He is the author of
Heartbreak and Rage: Ten Years
Under Sun Myung Moon, A Cult
Survivor's Memoir. He is currently
working on a collection of stories
about people caught up in cults or
other intense high-demand groups
and churches. He has participated in
the Phoenix Project in 2006, 2008
and 2010, where he read some of
his stories aloud.
18 ICSA TODAY
white stones set in the dirt. This sign
says KEEP SWEET, which means stay
quiet, don’t complain, be happy. But I
don’t think I can keep sweet anymore,
not since the time I noticed Hugh look-
ing at me. That’s when I started think-
ing I’d like to make up my own mind
about the person I’ll marry.
The gravel road passes by the school
and houses and ends in front of the
main meeting hall. I’m walking past one
of the houses of Elder Filmore and I see
Florence and Bathsheba and some of
their kids in the backyard. Flo and Beth
are hanging up the wash on the
clotheslines. It’s a fine day for hanging
clothes out, with only a little wind and
lots of heat. I wave and Flo waves back.
She’s expecting another baby soon and
so she moves awkwardly, her stomach
bulging. That baby will be Elder Fil-
more’s nineteenth child.
It used to be the rule that girls didn’t
get married until they were sixteen, but
lately they’re marrying off girls younger
than that. The elders like my looks—I’ve
seen them looking—I’m tall for my age,
and slender, with long blonde hair that
I keep tied up at the back. I’ve got high
cheekbones and delicate features.
Some say I’m the prettiest of all the girls
of marrying age. I wish I weren’t. Then
maybe they’d let me stay in school.
I go to the house where my mother
Rebekah and my celestial mother Leah
and their children live. It’s a plain white
two-storey house. There are other hous-
es like it nearby clustered around a
grassy area with a sandbox and a slide
and some swings in the middle. When I
get close to the house, Diana—that’s
my sister, she’s twelve—runs right past
me and we nearly bump into each
other. At the sight of her I start worrying
the Prophet might have left instructions
about her marrying, too. But no, he
wouldn’t do that, would he? She’s too
young to be a celestial wife. Or is she?
“Hi, Tamar!” she yells, giving me a wave.
She almost trips over a toy car one of
the little boys left on the sidewalk. I
grab her before she can fall and pull her
up straight.
“Look where you’re going!” I scold, but
I don’t really feel mad because she’s
laughing her head off. Zach Filmore is
chasing her for a joke and she’s taking
him on a wild goose chase all over
Merciful.
I let her go and she takes off again,
yelling, “Bye, Tamar!” and heads for the
road, with Zach laughing and following
close behind.
I pick up the toy car, half-squished from
Diana’s foot, and take it with me inside
the house, because Daddy always gets
angry if he sees toys lying around.
“Mother, I’m back!” I shout into the
house, but instead of hearing the voice
of my mother answering, I hear Leah
calling from out back. “Oh, there you
are, Tamar. Where did you get to?”
I walk through the house to the back
door and find her sitting in a lawn chair
holding her baby, Hannah, in her lap.
She has long black hair tied up at the
back and is wearing a blue gingham
dress with puffed-out shoulders. Han-
nah is sucking on a bottle with her eyes
closed, staying quiet. I sit down next to
her in a lawn chair and look out at the
playground where a lot of the young
kids are running around shouting at
each other.
“I was out for a walk.
“Not down by the highway again, I
hope.”
“I was just walking.” I start to get up
again.
“Sit down, Tamar,” she says sharply. I do.
“The Prophet has chosen the man
you’re going to marry. You need to pre-
pare yourself.”
I scowl down at my feet in their dusty
black leather shoes, sticking out in front
of me on the lawn chair. “You’re not my
real mother,” I tell her. “Where’s Sister
Rebekah? She’s the one who should tell
me this.”
“Rebekah’s gone to town with Hugh
Filmore to pick up groceries for the
families. When she says the “families”
she means all of my father’s five fami-
lies. “Anyway, I’m also your mother in
the eyes of God. There’s no call to be
rude, Tamar.”
“Sorry. So who did the Prophet choose
for my husband?” My father should be
the one to tell me this, but he’s away in
the field and I know Leah’s dying to
tell me.
“Elder Shem Filmore. Tamar, you’re
going to be the celestial wife of the file
leader! You’ll have a wonderful place in
heaven.” Leah is looking at me side-
ways. She’s trying to guess what I’m
thinking. I’ll bet she has a pretty good
idea. She says softly, “Don’t worry,
Tamar. Before I was married, I was
scared, too. When I was chosen to
marry your father, I was a young girl not
much older than you. But look how well
everything’s worked out.”
I hear the sound of a van pulling up in
front of the house. It must be Hugh
bringing my mother back from
Cresthaven with the groceries. Then I
hear the sound of the van’s back doors
opening and bags being unloaded. I
run to help. Mother calls out to me
from inside the van while she’s handing
out the sacks: “Well, look who’s here!
Miss Nature Lover’s paying us a visit! I
could’ve used a hand at the grocery
store, you know. Did you see anything
interesting today?” She’s pretending to
be mad but I can tell she isn’t really.
Mother loves animals and birds, too.
She likes to hear me talk about them.
“I saw a hawk today, and two hares,” I
say, but then I stop. I don’t want to tell
her that story. I quickly turn, carrying
two sacks and almost bump into Hugh,
who’s standing behind me holding
open one of the van’s back doors.
“What’s the rush, Tammy?”
“Nothing, Hugh.” I duck under his arms
and hurry toward the door.
“Here, let me take those bags. He holds
out his big hands to me.
“No, I’m fine. Get your own bags!” I
dodge out of his reach. Hugh chuckles
and follows me into the house with two
more bags.
Mother’s voice comes from the back
yard, saying something to Leah. She
must be leaving it up to Hugh to
unpack the groceries. Mother’s jealous
of Leah because Daddy favors her, but
she covers it up by trying to be extra
nice to her. I can’t make out what
they’re saying.
Hugh walks past me into the kitchen
and starts unpacking the groceries.
“I can take care of that, Hugh,” I tell
him. “You’ve got more important
things to do.”
He shrugs and keeps on putting them
away. “Not right now. They’ve given me
the van for the whole afternoon. How’d
you like to go into town for ice cream?”
I stare at him, amazed. He must have
heard the news. It would be improper
at any time for him to take me into
town unless we were going with a
ICSA_volume3_proof6 5/10/11 12:14 PM Page 20
