VOLUME 4 |NUMBER 2 |2013 7 6 ICSA TODAY
n order to speak, one must have a voice. Now this might seem
obvious to most people, but to people who have been abused
in a cult, having a physical voice did not mean they could
speak their truth. The individual’s voice has been taken over by
another, stronger voice, the voice of the leader. Through a variety of
influence and control techniques, often lumped together as “mind
control,” the cult leader imposes his will and views on the follower, so
the follower loses her own will and views. When mind control is
accompanied by physical or sexual abuse, the task of speaking up
becomes even more complicated and difficult for the follower.
In my case, I was in a Bible-based fundamentalist cult that charged
high fees for long classes on the veracity and supremacy of the
Word of God. People were subjected to hours and hours of teaching
to control their minds with Scripture. The methods, not the
doctrine, employed to accomplish the goals of world domination
by the group were very harmful. The leader wielded his control
through intensive psychological indoctrination and sexual contact.
I remember one incident vividly in which I questioned “the Doctor,”
the leader of the group, about the ethicalness of his behavior. He
quoted Scripture and explained that I needed to be “spiritually
mature” to understand. The Doctor taught that if one’s mind was
pure enough, one could do anything with one’s body. God did not
care about the flesh. The sexual needs of the leaders were to be
satisfied by females who were submitting to “the will of God.”
He commanded me to keep our sexual encounters in the “lockbox
of my soul”—never to be spoken of or revealed to anyone else.
“What if someone finds out?” I asked naively. “Why, I’d lie,” he said. I
was shocked. Adultery was certainly wrong, but lying about it was
even worse. I was a chronic truth seeker. How was the lockbox
consistent with the truth? How could behavior that was done in
secret be consistent with the openness he advocated in his
teachings? I am talking about behavior that is harmful to oneself or
others. Sex per se is a natural act but when there is a societal taboo
or power differential between the parties, then sex is wrong.
Women, children, and men forced by mind control into physical or
sexual submission are being abused.
What is mind control? Geri-Ann Galanti, PhD, defines mind control
as “the use of manipulative techniques that are for the most part
extremely effective in influencing the behavior of others.” Now this
definition could apply to recovery programs such as Alcoholics
Anonymous and motivational programs such as Weight Watchers.
But cults differ in one important way. Cultic leaders employ
negative manipulative techniques based on “deception,
dependency and dread” (see Recovery From Cults, edited by Michael
Langone, PhD W.W. Norton &Company, New York, 1993). When one
is experiencing abuse, these manipulative factors are always at play.
And secrecy is a big part of them.
Sexual predators and batterers know the power of silence. They
abuse their victims, and then swear them to secrecy. This method
ensures that not only is the abuse hidden from society, but it also
becomes hidden from the victims. The truth of individuals becomes
concealed for them to survive. It is a function of abuse for the abuser
to shame the abused, first by the humiliation of the act, and then by
the secrecy in which the act is performed.
When the victim’s pain of silence becomes greater than the pain of
disclosure, freedom becomes possible. But freedom can be a scary
proposition, too. Freedom means independence and autonomy,
which can threaten a follower’s childlike dependency on a leader.
The tacit agreement between cult leader and follower is “If you
remain silent, I will take care of you,” or a variation of that, “If you
tell, I will reject you and you need me to survive.”To the victim,
truth telling seems to jeopardize her very existence when, in fact, it
is the way to wholeness.
So how does one open the lockbox? Where does one find the
courage to speak in the face of fear and shame, the double-edged
sword of oppression? First, one must make the choice to heal.
Healing is always a choice, not an accident. Often propelled by
suffering, the individual decides whether to passively “accept one’s
fate”or actively pursue a way to freedom. It is a mystery why some
people choose to heal and others do not. Individuals vary. For some,
the choice may be obvious and swift. For others, it may take a long
time to come to that essential decision.
On
Breaking
the Code
of Silence
I
By Kristen Skedgell DeVoe
Once the decision to heal has been made, one must begin the
process of opening up by sharing his true feelings. Just as Pinocchio
became a “real boy” when he told the truth, so the magic of genuine
self-disclosure allows one to become who he is. But this disclosure
must happen in a safe place. Safety is essential to building trust.
Continual assaults in the past at the heart of one’s being make it
hard for one to trust others. Safety allows one to make tentative
stabs at reality without fear of punishment.
Experience teaches abused people not to trust anyone as a way of
survival. But they must make small steps in the direction of trust in
order to heal. There are individuals in society who are trustworthy.
Shamans and priests were once the hearers and witnesses of truth.
In today’s society, credentialed psychotherapists, counselors, and
teachers who are bound by a code of ethics can help those who
have been abused learn to trust again. These professionals bear
witness to each of these individuals’ truths.
Initially, people may become depressed, if not suicidal when they
come out of an abusive cult and take steps toward healing. The
realization of their losses—the loss of time, the loss of identity, the
loss of one’s self—can be intolerable. But depression keeps them
stagnant. It slows them down it keeps them down, locked in the
cycle of oppression.
For many, opening the lockbox is a byproduct of expressing their
anger. Anger is the vehicle that drives the truth into the open.
Victims must not only feel their feelings they must also see the cult
leader for what he was—an abusive sociopath, not a loving
presence. It is not enough that the abuse caused suffering. Suffering
accompanied by resolve becomes the catalyst for change. The
victims need the spark of indignation that enables them to
recognize the unfairness and imbalance of power in their situation.
Then they begin to puncture the membrane of silence that leaves
them isolated from the world.
They penetrate the code of silence through their initial decision to
heal and their courage to begin to tell the truth about themselves in a
safe place. This process, accompanied by education about physical,
sexual, psychological, and spiritual abuse, allows individuals to start
on the journey toward wholeness. True expression of their feelings,
especially anger, makes healing possible. As these individuals grow
stronger, they may even expand the stage of disclosure to include
the world at large.
So, then, truth begets truth. Light begets light. But it is not enough
to know the truth. Survivors of abuse are accustomed to
disconnecting psychologically and emotionally from a painful
reality. This dissociation is a major survival tool. To heal, it becomes
necessary for these survivors to connect with themselves, not
dissociate from the trauma. Again, in mind-control situations,
connecting with themselves becomes doubly difficult because their
conscience, overtaken by the cult leader, has become an inner
abuser and oppressor.
This inner taskmaster demands silence and compliance. One risks
not only separation from society but annihilation of a part of the self.
Like a giant parasite, the abuser needs the abused in order
to survive.
But what happens when the abused need the abuser? When the
abused internalize the voice of the abuser and continue to be
oppressed, long after the abuser is gone? Even when the objective
reality has been changed, the abused can sometimes experience a
great deal of terror. This is the terror of being free, the terror of
breaking the code of silence and the perceived dire consequences
that will ensue (i.e., insanity, illness, death). But the true
consequences of speaking up are freedom and joy, the very things
that the oppressor does not want for the oppressed. Their silence is
how he keeps them down. They learn to be helpless in the face of
abuse. Again, to overcome learned helplessness, they must allow
themselves to feel their genuine feelings and speak out
about them.
Trauma experts have long advocated the necessity of “bearing
witness” to one’s abuse. Why? Because truth is acknowledged and
affirmed in the context of community. Personal truth becomes
understood when it is spoken. Lies keep one isolated and separate.
Speaking the truth of one’s own reality allows one to belong to the
world. One is no longer alone. But it doesn’t stop there. One must
question destructive assumptions and become educated about
individual rights.
The truth of human experience proclaims the imperative to live and
be free, not to be in bondage. Just as a flower is meant to bloom,
each person is put here to blossom forth in her true nature. One
must believe one has the RIGHT to live in order to own one’s
experience. When one realizes the truth of being alive (or becomes
aware of its opposite—the mandate NOT to live independent of the
leader), one is able to break the bonds of mind control. One begins
to question negative assumptions through critical thinking and
education. Once one fully comprehends the right to exist, then
acting on the right to bear witness to one’s life and experience
becomes possible. Negative distortions of reality are replaced with
positive assumptions, which result in one coming to understand the
right to be happy and free.
For many years after leaving the cult, I was suicidal. Years of abuse
and oppression had made me believe that I deserved to be
punished for leaving the group. I was brainwashed into thinking that
living without my leader would destroy me. Earlier trauma and
abuse reinforced the idea that I was no good and deserved to die.
But now I realize that that is not true. Through counseling and
education, I have learned that I deserve to live. I have a right to
speak my truth.
Now that the lockbox has been opened, I do not take anything
for granted. Like the skier healing from a broken leg, I am learning
to use my muscles again, learning to walk psychologically. I am
learning what it feels like to live and be free. I am learning to
tolerate good things. I am learning to accept the sound of my own
voice. Knowing now that I HAVE a voice, I am learning to
use it. Perhaps, one day, I will even learn to sing. ■
About the Author
Kristen Skedgell DeVoe
was born in Nyack, New York. When she
was 14, she was recruited into The Way
International, a religious fundamentalist
cult, and remained active until age 29
when her mother rescued her. After
leaving the cult, she attended Johns
Hopkins University then earned master’s
degrees from Yale Divinity School and
Columbia University School of Social Work.
Her book Losing the Way: A Memoir of Spiritual Longing,
Manipulation, Abuse and Escape (Bay Tree Publishing, 2008)
recounts her experience in The Way. She lives happily with her
husband, artist Edward Spaulding DeVoe, in the foothills of the
Berkshire Mountains where they enjoy their six children, four
grandchildren, and rescue dog, Addison. ■
ICSA_volume4Issue2_Final 8/9/13 8:31 PM Page 8
n order to speak, one must have a voice. Now this might seem
obvious to most people, but to people who have been abused
in a cult, having a physical voice did not mean they could
speak their truth. The individual’s voice has been taken over by
another, stronger voice, the voice of the leader. Through a variety of
influence and control techniques, often lumped together as “mind
control,” the cult leader imposes his will and views on the follower, so
the follower loses her own will and views. When mind control is
accompanied by physical or sexual abuse, the task of speaking up
becomes even more complicated and difficult for the follower.
In my case, I was in a Bible-based fundamentalist cult that charged
high fees for long classes on the veracity and supremacy of the
Word of God. People were subjected to hours and hours of teaching
to control their minds with Scripture. The methods, not the
doctrine, employed to accomplish the goals of world domination
by the group were very harmful. The leader wielded his control
through intensive psychological indoctrination and sexual contact.
I remember one incident vividly in which I questioned “the Doctor,”
the leader of the group, about the ethicalness of his behavior. He
quoted Scripture and explained that I needed to be “spiritually
mature” to understand. The Doctor taught that if one’s mind was
pure enough, one could do anything with one’s body. God did not
care about the flesh. The sexual needs of the leaders were to be
satisfied by females who were submitting to “the will of God.”
He commanded me to keep our sexual encounters in the “lockbox
of my soul”—never to be spoken of or revealed to anyone else.
“What if someone finds out?” I asked naively. “Why, I’d lie,” he said. I
was shocked. Adultery was certainly wrong, but lying about it was
even worse. I was a chronic truth seeker. How was the lockbox
consistent with the truth? How could behavior that was done in
secret be consistent with the openness he advocated in his
teachings? I am talking about behavior that is harmful to oneself or
others. Sex per se is a natural act but when there is a societal taboo
or power differential between the parties, then sex is wrong.
Women, children, and men forced by mind control into physical or
sexual submission are being abused.
What is mind control? Geri-Ann Galanti, PhD, defines mind control
as “the use of manipulative techniques that are for the most part
extremely effective in influencing the behavior of others.” Now this
definition could apply to recovery programs such as Alcoholics
Anonymous and motivational programs such as Weight Watchers.
But cults differ in one important way. Cultic leaders employ
negative manipulative techniques based on “deception,
dependency and dread” (see Recovery From Cults, edited by Michael
Langone, PhD W.W. Norton &Company, New York, 1993). When one
is experiencing abuse, these manipulative factors are always at play.
And secrecy is a big part of them.
Sexual predators and batterers know the power of silence. They
abuse their victims, and then swear them to secrecy. This method
ensures that not only is the abuse hidden from society, but it also
becomes hidden from the victims. The truth of individuals becomes
concealed for them to survive. It is a function of abuse for the abuser
to shame the abused, first by the humiliation of the act, and then by
the secrecy in which the act is performed.
When the victim’s pain of silence becomes greater than the pain of
disclosure, freedom becomes possible. But freedom can be a scary
proposition, too. Freedom means independence and autonomy,
which can threaten a follower’s childlike dependency on a leader.
The tacit agreement between cult leader and follower is “If you
remain silent, I will take care of you,” or a variation of that, “If you
tell, I will reject you and you need me to survive.”To the victim,
truth telling seems to jeopardize her very existence when, in fact, it
is the way to wholeness.
So how does one open the lockbox? Where does one find the
courage to speak in the face of fear and shame, the double-edged
sword of oppression? First, one must make the choice to heal.
Healing is always a choice, not an accident. Often propelled by
suffering, the individual decides whether to passively “accept one’s
fate”or actively pursue a way to freedom. It is a mystery why some
people choose to heal and others do not. Individuals vary. For some,
the choice may be obvious and swift. For others, it may take a long
time to come to that essential decision.
On
Breaking
the Code
of Silence
I
By Kristen Skedgell DeVoe
Once the decision to heal has been made, one must begin the
process of opening up by sharing his true feelings. Just as Pinocchio
became a “real boy” when he told the truth, so the magic of genuine
self-disclosure allows one to become who he is. But this disclosure
must happen in a safe place. Safety is essential to building trust.
Continual assaults in the past at the heart of one’s being make it
hard for one to trust others. Safety allows one to make tentative
stabs at reality without fear of punishment.
Experience teaches abused people not to trust anyone as a way of
survival. But they must make small steps in the direction of trust in
order to heal. There are individuals in society who are trustworthy.
Shamans and priests were once the hearers and witnesses of truth.
In today’s society, credentialed psychotherapists, counselors, and
teachers who are bound by a code of ethics can help those who
have been abused learn to trust again. These professionals bear
witness to each of these individuals’ truths.
Initially, people may become depressed, if not suicidal when they
come out of an abusive cult and take steps toward healing. The
realization of their losses—the loss of time, the loss of identity, the
loss of one’s self—can be intolerable. But depression keeps them
stagnant. It slows them down it keeps them down, locked in the
cycle of oppression.
For many, opening the lockbox is a byproduct of expressing their
anger. Anger is the vehicle that drives the truth into the open.
Victims must not only feel their feelings they must also see the cult
leader for what he was—an abusive sociopath, not a loving
presence. It is not enough that the abuse caused suffering. Suffering
accompanied by resolve becomes the catalyst for change. The
victims need the spark of indignation that enables them to
recognize the unfairness and imbalance of power in their situation.
Then they begin to puncture the membrane of silence that leaves
them isolated from the world.
They penetrate the code of silence through their initial decision to
heal and their courage to begin to tell the truth about themselves in a
safe place. This process, accompanied by education about physical,
sexual, psychological, and spiritual abuse, allows individuals to start
on the journey toward wholeness. True expression of their feelings,
especially anger, makes healing possible. As these individuals grow
stronger, they may even expand the stage of disclosure to include
the world at large.
So, then, truth begets truth. Light begets light. But it is not enough
to know the truth. Survivors of abuse are accustomed to
disconnecting psychologically and emotionally from a painful
reality. This dissociation is a major survival tool. To heal, it becomes
necessary for these survivors to connect with themselves, not
dissociate from the trauma. Again, in mind-control situations,
connecting with themselves becomes doubly difficult because their
conscience, overtaken by the cult leader, has become an inner
abuser and oppressor.
This inner taskmaster demands silence and compliance. One risks
not only separation from society but annihilation of a part of the self.
Like a giant parasite, the abuser needs the abused in order
to survive.
But what happens when the abused need the abuser? When the
abused internalize the voice of the abuser and continue to be
oppressed, long after the abuser is gone? Even when the objective
reality has been changed, the abused can sometimes experience a
great deal of terror. This is the terror of being free, the terror of
breaking the code of silence and the perceived dire consequences
that will ensue (i.e., insanity, illness, death). But the true
consequences of speaking up are freedom and joy, the very things
that the oppressor does not want for the oppressed. Their silence is
how he keeps them down. They learn to be helpless in the face of
abuse. Again, to overcome learned helplessness, they must allow
themselves to feel their genuine feelings and speak out
about them.
Trauma experts have long advocated the necessity of “bearing
witness” to one’s abuse. Why? Because truth is acknowledged and
affirmed in the context of community. Personal truth becomes
understood when it is spoken. Lies keep one isolated and separate.
Speaking the truth of one’s own reality allows one to belong to the
world. One is no longer alone. But it doesn’t stop there. One must
question destructive assumptions and become educated about
individual rights.
The truth of human experience proclaims the imperative to live and
be free, not to be in bondage. Just as a flower is meant to bloom,
each person is put here to blossom forth in her true nature. One
must believe one has the RIGHT to live in order to own one’s
experience. When one realizes the truth of being alive (or becomes
aware of its opposite—the mandate NOT to live independent of the
leader), one is able to break the bonds of mind control. One begins
to question negative assumptions through critical thinking and
education. Once one fully comprehends the right to exist, then
acting on the right to bear witness to one’s life and experience
becomes possible. Negative distortions of reality are replaced with
positive assumptions, which result in one coming to understand the
right to be happy and free.
For many years after leaving the cult, I was suicidal. Years of abuse
and oppression had made me believe that I deserved to be
punished for leaving the group. I was brainwashed into thinking that
living without my leader would destroy me. Earlier trauma and
abuse reinforced the idea that I was no good and deserved to die.
But now I realize that that is not true. Through counseling and
education, I have learned that I deserve to live. I have a right to
speak my truth.
Now that the lockbox has been opened, I do not take anything
for granted. Like the skier healing from a broken leg, I am learning
to use my muscles again, learning to walk psychologically. I am
learning what it feels like to live and be free. I am learning to
tolerate good things. I am learning to accept the sound of my own
voice. Knowing now that I HAVE a voice, I am learning to
use it. Perhaps, one day, I will even learn to sing. ■
About the Author
Kristen Skedgell DeVoe
was born in Nyack, New York. When she
was 14, she was recruited into The Way
International, a religious fundamentalist
cult, and remained active until age 29
when her mother rescued her. After
leaving the cult, she attended Johns
Hopkins University then earned master’s
degrees from Yale Divinity School and
Columbia University School of Social Work.
Her book Losing the Way: A Memoir of Spiritual Longing,
Manipulation, Abuse and Escape (Bay Tree Publishing, 2008)
recounts her experience in The Way. She lives happily with her
husband, artist Edward Spaulding DeVoe, in the foothills of the
Berkshire Mountains where they enjoy their six children, four
grandchildren, and rescue dog, Addison. ■
ICSA_volume4Issue2_Final 8/9/13 8:31 PM Page 8
